Simon Cowell does not come across as a man with any sort of paternal side. Which isn’t surprising considering he’s made his fortune judging other people an crushing their dreams. The man who used to always say he’d never get married or become a father has reneged on one of those statements, and procreated.
Yup, someone besides a grown ass woman on her knees will now be calling Cowell “Daddy.”Simon Cowell is known for being a total dick and kind of mean to people he doesn’t deem to be worthy of his time. He made his name in the United States by being the one judge on American Idol to say what we all were thinking (well, at least what us bitchy people were thinking) publicly and without shame. He was also known as a man whore who always said he never wanted to settle down forever or end up with newborn vomit on his shoulder.
Then last year happened, and Cowell was seen out and about with Lauren Silverman, which in and of itself was drama filled enough. See, Lauren was still technically married to her husband Andrew, who had been one of Simon’s pretty good friends. In fact, only the summer prior, they had joined Cowell for a little yacht time fun. But with a new year comes a new broad for Cowell, and he decided to mess within his circle this time around.
And mess around he did, because not only was his banging his former friend’s wife, he went the extra mile and knocked her up too. Of course, it looks terrible to still be vocally anti-baby when you have one on the way, and Simon still has to be somewhat likeable, so Cowell’s tune changed. He became super excited, upgraded Lauren to a full time girlfriend. and bought a place for them to share along with Silverman’s son from her now over marriage.
On Friday, Valentine’s Day, Lauren went into labor in New York. Simon was off in England, doing work on one of his shows, when he heard the news. But while for the every day man who would spell big trouble, Cowell just jumped on one of his private planes paid for by the tears of terrible singers everywhere, and made it to the hospital in plenty of time. Also showing off their baller status, Lauren gave birth at Lenox Hill Hospital in the Upper East Side, which is where Beyoncé “gave birth” to Blu Ivy (I am still unsure if I believe that one, by the by).
The child, a boy, was born at 5:45 pm, and was named Eric after Simon’s late father. While the idea of Simon Cowell being a father is still hard to fully grasp, maybe this is just the change Cowell needs to change some of his chauvinistic ways. Who knows, maybe he will even raise his son to be a gentleman who respects women and has a sweet, nurturing demeanor.
Or more likely give it 18 years or so and we will be hearing about little Eric making a sex tape with one of the next generation Kardashian slores after getting a DUI and punching a paparazzo in the face.