Hey kids! Do you like being spoon fed popular culture that you’ll eventually get sick of when the next talented young thing comes along? You do?
Well that’s that bloody fantastic. You might have heard of Simon Cowell. He’s a man who wants to destroy the way we consume music and make us all buy the same drivel every year.
So far, Simon and his team of chuckling sidekicks known as Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole, Danni Minogue and former monkey Sharon Osbourne have introduced us to annoying twerps such as The Cheeky Girls, Chico, Leona Lewis, Leon Jackson, Michelle McManus and Alexandra Burke. Honestly, each time we hear their songs, we jizz in excitement. We’ll have to reload our ballsacks a bit quicker – Simon is combining both of his primetime shows!
In the beginning there was X Factor. A show full of deluded morons who thought they could get a number one hit. That’s get a number one and definitely not become famous and get exploited by Simon Cowell’s evil empire of PR staff, producers, assistants and tea makers.
Once X Factor was rumbled as a show that only young people can win, Simon Cowell came up with another TV programme. Called Britain’s Got Talent, the show was open to anyone of any age to showcase their skills to the most pointless person in the country, The Queen.
Britain’s Got Talent has certainly showcased a random selection of supposed acts. In series one, the eventual winner was Paul Potts. A man who didn’t look the sort to be an opera singer. However, like the late Pavarotti, he was a pork pie’s worst nightmare, so we have to give him that. Series two saw the singers step back and the dancers take over. George Sampson did some sort of spinny thing to win the hearts of the nation and subsequently got himself involved in pointless feuds with X Factor singers. Specifically the stupidly-named Eoghan Quinn.
This year on Britain’s Got Talent, it was a final battle between Scottish mentalist Susan Boyle and dance group Diversity. Not even world wide exposure could save the singer from finishing second to a group of dancers who actually did a different routine in the final compared to Susan Boyle who sang the same annoying Les Miserables song. She could have at least stuck a hip-hop beat underneath it or remixed it jungle style.
After bashing his head on a wall or stealing a runner’s idea, Simon Cowell has now decided he’ll combine the two shows together to form a super monster of a reality show. X Factor will still see Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue but during the boot camp round, MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC CAN JOIN IN TO SEE WHO HAS ANY CREDIBLE SINGING VOICE. Digital Spy reports:
“Fans can apply for tickets to watch the redesigned audition process in London, Birmingham, Manchester, Cardiff and Glasgow on ApplauseStore.com. A message on the site reads: “Simon Cowell opens the doors to the Scottish auditions and exclusively invites YOU to join him and all the judges to help them find out who really does have the X Factor 2009.”
So what does this mean?
1) With boot camp filmed in June and the first round auditions not being broadcast on ITV until August, it’s likely information will leak out on who got through. Unless Simon Cowell threatens everyone with death.
2) The process won’t work as the crowd will piss off the judges with their buzzers.
3) It’ll be classed as a failed experiment. Just like when Kelly Brooke was asked to judge Britain’s Got Talent.
No doubt X Factor 2009 will be billed as the biggest ever. All we ask is that they so something different. You know, we had Leona Lewis win in 2006 and her clone Alexander Burke in 2008. Can we at least have a group triumph this year? We don’t want any slip ups like crying boy Leon Jackson back in 2007.
Ta.
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