Simon Cowell Blowdries His Bouffant Muff

If there is one thing that Simon Cowell worships even more than his own puffed up face, it’s that pointy toilet brush of a hairdo he keeps on top of it.

As a judge on reality show Britain’s Got Talent (current contender for oxymoron of the year), Simon Cowell has got to look his powder puff best. He is, after all, sitting just a few feet away from Piers Morgan, the sexiest man to appear in the teatime schedules since Ted Rogers and his motorised garbage can wheeled off our screens over 20 years ago. Simon refuses to take any chances over his beauty, so it’s down to the fittest and least feminine member of the show’s panel, TV’s Amanda Holden, to dish the dirt.

She stated merrily:

“Simon has this little routine before every show, with his hair dryer, but it's pointless - he looks exactly the same afterwards.”

Without explaining exactly what Simon Cowell does with the hairdryer, we can only assume he doesn’t use it to melt the plastic surgery (he definitely has not had done) on his face into something resembling the man he used to be in his National Service photos. Holden continued:

“It has become some sort of ritual. Just as Madonna prays before a performance, Simon worships at the altar of his Babyliss hairdryer. He likes to be reassured that he looks good and we always tell him it does. He's always checking his appearance. His hair never moves. Maybe he should grow it slightly, so it looks less military.”

Being rich, vain and mean about massacre victims is what chubby funster Simon is all about. Him and his big-headed jibes to those unfortunate enough to have wondered into his field of vision with no more clue of what makes talent than that girl off Big Brother who sings Buffalo Stance. He is the closest we have to our personal Tyler Durden: omnipresent, dressed like a numpty (he's presently styled by Ralph Lauren’s ‘cat burglar’ line) and entirely without conscience. Unfortunately it is doubtful a bullet in the head would kill him.

Though apparently Piers Morgan and his stilted facial muscles can be just as good at being bad in Holden’s book. During yet more verbal discharge likely to get her fired, she commented:

“Piers tries to be trendy when he isn't. He attempts to show everyone how un-stuffy he is. He dances with his arms flailing if he really likes an act, and it's like every child's worst nightmare - really bad dad dancing.”

If Piers worships himself and Cowell worships himself and his hairdryer, where are we to place the lovely Amanda Holden in this line up of doom? She used to sleep around a bit, though she also had to sleep with Les Dennis so that’s more than acceptable. We can’t blame her entirely for the world’s lamest drama series on ITV called Wild At Heart, after all that sour-faced teenager off Coronation Street was also on there. Yet for the sake of not letting anyone involved in Britain’s Got Talent and its headlong dive into a pit of spit get away scot-free – we will.

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Simon Cowell Worships His Hairdryer – Female First