Just a week after the world went literally bananas for meaty hip-wiggler Susan Boyle, Britain’s Got Talent has just unearthed a second pure-voiced singing sensation. The twist this time: it’s a little boy with a funny name.

Keep an eye on Simon Cowell’s hands during this season of Britain’s Got Talent. If there’s one more surprisingly angelic-voiced contestant with obvious mass-marketing appeal, we think he may just have himself a sneaky little fiddle under the table.

Men are simple creatures. We like big TVs, cold beers and sexy ladies (preferably serving us cold beer in front of a big TV). And so, all the most successful female popstars have been svelte young things with boobies to drool for: Madonna (25 years ago); Kylie Minogue; Britney Spears and Lady GaGa. We’re sure that any of these ladies would also make very successful lapdancers.

It’s all change now, though. If Susan Boyle, the woman who looks set to steal the world’s popheart this year, were to give you a lapdance it would be a tossup which would snap first: your will to live or your femur.

Last week on Britain’s Got Talent, Susan Boyle lumbered onstage looking like a transvestite club’s bouncer wearing a dress made from an 85-year-old-lady’s Christmas tablecloth. After some chuckling from the audience, and a brief pause while a technician reset Simon Cowell’s out-of-control spinning eyes, she sang. And boy, was it ever a not bad rendition of a horrible showtune.

Piers Morgan dribbled something about giving her his biggest one ever, Amanda Holden rubbed chilli flakes into her dead eyes and managed to squeeze a couple of tears out, while Cowell tried desperately to stop his jaw lengthening and teeth erupting to reveal his dirty lyncanthropic secret.

The rest of the world then spent the week emailing clips of the show to friends, with messages like “God has truly blessed us with this lady’s voice” and “Dude, check out the fat chick singin this shit. I am so gonna hook her up with you bro!!!’

Even beauty-obsessed America is in love with the lady, as evidenced by Entertainment Weekly’s online comments section:

Cathy Sun, Apr 19, 2009 at 03:32 PM EST from Ivor Bigghun–extremely rude and inapropriate.

ivor bigghun Sun, Apr 19, 2009 at 03:00 PM EST yes, yes, shes so great, masterbate on susans face. a shag ill give her, one thats royal, a right good bangin for susan boyle

Ivor, quick tip: she’s never even had a bloke kiss her, so you letting off a stream of manmilk into her face may be a bit overwhelming. Suggest a nice meal first, maybe some flowers.

So that’s it, Susan Boyle will win this year’s series, and we can all sleep soundly until the finale (with maybe a nightmare or two in which we get put in a headlock by a lady with big, butcher’s arms).

Wrong.

On Saturday, another unlikely contestant – a tiny little boy this time – stepped onto the stage, shielded his eyes from the glare of Cowell’s teeth, and belted out a powerful version of Michael Jackson’s ‘Who’s Loving You‘ (incidentally, one of the three things you most don’t want to hear Jackson asking of a 12-year-old boy).

The judges’ responses to Shaheen Jafargholi (fact fans: he got the name when his dad sneezed just as he was being asked what he wanted to call his newborn son) were as overwrought and hysterical as last week. Simon Cowell beamed:

“This is how one song can change a life. This may be the start of something special for you, young man.”

Completely failing to add: ‘Well, that or else the entertainment machine will utilise you until you develop acne, but in ten years you’ll be round the back of a squalid pub, bringing old men off into a hanky’.

So now the race is wide open. Who will win? The partially shaved grizzly bear or the Welsh/Iranian poppet?

So exciting, and we hear that next week there’s a third contender: a genuine mermaid, having spent her life accepted by neither the peoples of sea or land as one of their own, delivers a sweet-voiced rendition of Imagine that causes all of the ‘emotion’ microchips in Amanda Holden’s head to explode.

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