Three cheers to Shrek 3 for continuing this summer's mindless trend of pumping out endless useless blockbuster threequels that everyone goes to see even though they know they're all just artlessly cynical clods of merchandising fodder anyway.
Despite being an obviously transparent shallow retread of the first two Shrek movies, $122 million's worth of people flooded American cinemas to find out the exact way that Mike Myers was going to fund his next four years of total moviemaking inactivity. Still, although Shrek 3's $122 million weekend box office total seems impressive, it's still $30 million shy of Spider-Man 3's opening weekend tally. More fool Dreamworks, who must be ruing the day that they decided to drop the scene where Kirsten Dunst does the twist and makes an omlette at the same time, since that's what seems to be so twatting popular at the bloody moment.
And yes, we did just use the term 'threequel.' We can only apologise.
Nobody is in the slightest bit surprised that Shrek 3 made it to the top of the US weekend box office. However, at least eight tenths of the movie's box office total was thought to have come from avid celebrity watchers eager to find out if Princess Fiona was going to have another embarrassing spaz-out because she saw Artie innocently chatting to Jessica Biel at a party once. Here's the US weekend box office top five…
1 – Shrek 3 (Of course, nobody went to see Shrek 3 because they wanted to see Shrek 3 – they went to see Shrek 3 because they knew a high weekend box office total would put pressure on Dreamworks to release the highly anticipated sequel to the Shrek In The Swamp Karaoke Dance Party game) $122,000,000
2 – Spider-Man 3 (Where a glob of symbiote lands on Peter Parker's foot and somehow gives him an emo haircut that turns him into a right sulky git) $28,500,000
3 – 28 Weeks Later (Where London turns into a nightmarish city of creatures who are oblivious to everyone else unless they can attack them for personal gain. So basically a normal day, then. See what we did there?) $5,150,000
4 – Disturbia (Shia La Beouf's next film – a remake of Topaz with more gratuitous scenes of those T-shirts with graphic equalisers on the front) $3,675,000
5 – Georgia Rule (Lindsay Lohan, Barbarella and the woman who got naked in Out Of Order in a film together? Yay! A film about… intergenerational feelings? Boo!) $3,493,000