Shocking News: Lindsay Lohan May Eventually Die One Day

Lindsay Lohan is almost definitely going to die. It might take another 80 years, but she’s pretty much done for.

Poor girl. Nobody knows what’ll kill her – it might be a heart attack, it might be old age, a seagull might clatter into her face and fracture her skull beyond all recognition, she might plunge head-first into a vat of boiling fudge, she might choke on a rollerskate – but Lindsay Lohan is probably going to die at some point, so we should all probably just brace ourselves for the worst now.

Oh, wait, no – we were reading it wrong. Lindsay Lohan might die soon if she doesn’t get herself to rehab right away, according to someone working with her. Oh. That’s actually quite depressing, isn’t it? Sorry.

This might come as a shock to some of you, but Lindsay Lohan isn’t an old lady. Sure, she’s got the loose grey skin of an old lady, the unfocused gaze of an old lady and the emphysemic, 80-a-day growl of an old man, but in reality Lindsay Lohan is only 23 years old. And its feared that her best days are already behind her.

Well, we say her best days – we meant that the days where Lindsay Lohan crashed her car, went to rehab, made a film about two identical stripper twins with amnesia, dabbled in lesbianism and was accused of having an eating disorder are behind her. Although, if some sources are to be believed, they probably do qualify as her best days because what’s coming up will undoubtedly be worse unless she gets help immediately.

According to someone who is apparently very close to Lindsay Lohan personally and professionally, something terrible could happen to her unless she sees sense and checks herself into rehab immediately. TMZ reports:

The people who care most about Lindsay Lohan believe she desperately needs to get help, but she refuses to listen. As one extremely close professional person put it, “If she doesn’t get help soon, she’s going to die.”… Lindsay, we’re told, is making excuses for her erratic behavior and refusing to acknowledge her problem.

We can assume that this source isn’t Dina or Michael Lohan, purely because they wanted to remain anonymous rather than, say, making a reality TV show about how close to death Lindsay Lohan is. Whoever it is, though, it’s fair to say that Lindsay Lohan isn’t having any of it. On Saturday she told a website that she was both “fine” and “healthy”. Admittedly since then she’s been turned away from one party and left another with her feet covered in a mysterious white powder, but who are we to disagree with her?

That said, we do hope that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t die soon. Imagine if she did die – we’d be forced to write about Justin Bieber even more than we already do. Get healthy for us, please, Lindsay. We’re begging you.

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  1. says

    WTF??…Like Really?..What kind of Bs is this lik seriously? in the WORLD would ya even kno when the hell shes is going to die?…This is just sooo stupid!..Get a life!..yall r going to die!..Ya’ll wanna know how?…OK tell ya how! guys are going to choke on my fat long Penis!..Another way yall gonna die is you guys are going to get possessed by the demon and die!..Soo shut the Front Door!.