That's the end of Celebrity Big Brother 2007, then – and after being bullied, insulted and squawked at relentlessly at monumental volume about Oxo by a fat-mouthed pikey, Shilpa Shetty has finally emerged as the Celebrity Big Brother victor.
Winning Celebrity Big Brother must surely rank as one of the greatest achievements of Shilpa Shetty's life, after all the being a superstar millionaire Bollywood actress with fleets of servants and adoring fans shadowing her every step, obviously. And, as winner of Celebrity Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty has a number of responsibilities to uphold. Just like Celebrity Big Brother-winning Chantelle before her, Shilpa Shetty is now required to have a shotgun marriage to some useless indie singer, ghostwrite a book that nobody but idiots read and hawk a tired catchphrase around chavvy nightclubs at 2am for £200 a pop. That Shilpa Shetty sure is a lucky girl.
Oh, and Shilpa said that Jade's not a racist, too. That's that one cleared up, then.
As Davina McCall reminded us over a thousand times over the course of last night's Celebrity Big Brother final, Celebrity Big Brother 2007 has been easily the most controversial series ever, outgunning the series where George Galloway acted like a cat and the one where, um, Vanessa Feltz wrote a word on a table. OK, so it wouldn't have taken much for it to be the most controversial Celebrity Big Brother, but the chronic racism and the bullying and billions of complaints and crowds of Indians burning effigies of Channel Four executives probably gave this year's one a bit of a nudge.
But, hey, the Celebrity Big Brother final. All the old Celebrity Big Brother housemates were present – except for Jade, Jackiey and Jo who had existing commitments building a giant crucifix that they want to set on fire and dance around later tonight. In a blindingly clever 'let's get the all the racism done with quickly' move, Jack and Danielle were evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house together to a cavalcade of booing, shown footage of themselves being a bit racist together, got all slackjawed with embarrassment together and then disappeared together never to be seen again with any luck.
If only the same could be said about Ian Watkins who, on hearing his name called out, immediately turned into the shriekiest campest children's television presenter in the world and took the Celebrity Big Brother interview as an opportunity to indulge himself in a display of world-class simpering so Herculean that all the buttons on his shirt popped off as a protest. Following that, Dirk Benedict strolled out of the Celebrity Big Brother house in exactly the same manner that he strolled in, followed by Jermaine Jackson who basically took the chance to big-up a new Mamma Mia-style musical about the Jackson 5 that he's making.
But Jermaine Jackson squeaking one word answers to Davina McCall's traditionally useless interview questions wasn't the big news of the night. That fell to Shilpa Shetty, who 62% of the Celebrity Big Brother audience wanted to win. On hearing that she was the new winner of Celebrity Big Brother, Shilpa was variously tearful, confused, happy and magnanimous, using the latter skill to claim that Jade Goody wasn't being racist at all when she called her Shilpa Fuckawallah, just a bit of a stupid nobend. And with Shilpa's gracious final words, all of the world's conflicts instantly ended and nothing was ever a problem ever again.
So what have we learnt from Celebrity Big Brother 2007? Well, we've learnt that one short argument is enough to make up for three weeks of ball-crushing boredom, that people will stop buying your perfume if you shout at a brown person, that the public will hold you close to its heart if a pikey racially abuses you over stock cubes and that S Club 7 probably won't be played on the radio very much any more.
Much more than that, though, we've learnt that if your entrance into the Celebrity Big Brother house is a bellowed version of Singing In The Rain followed by an ill-judged attempt to win a crowd's affection by mimicking a man with a neurological condition and your exit involves cream crackers, dribbling, whooping "SERVANTS! SERVANTS!" while banging a table like a stroppy toddler and a whispered, apologetic "I've left my slippers under the chaise lounge" then hecklerspray will love you until the end of time. Ken Russell – you should have won, you mad old bastard.
Nothing to bet on now that Celebrity Big Brother's over? Paddy Power is your friend.
Pedro says
Absolutely, Ken Russell all the way – he even shouted “Jade Goody is pure evil” on Big Brother’s Big Mouth last night. The man is a star.
Celebrity Big Brother… same old shit, same top-notch write-ups from hecklerspray. Reality TV would be shit without ya..
alice says
Jade, Jo and Danielle all deserve their careers to sink to below zero. Danielle is no advertisement for the people of Liverpool. Constantly using the F word, farting and belching everywhere. What kid of behaviour is that for a so called MODEL? She is as common as muck and Teddy Sheringham is well rid of rubbish like her.
Jo is like fag ash Lil never without a fag and always in her dressing gown
As for Jade. Ugly foul mouthed CHAV. Pity she didn’t spend some of her millions on education, elocution and etiquette.
It says something for the British behavious when the last three people in the house were all foreign, intelligent and with manners who put the British there to shame.