Before you get too confused, Shia had his metaphorical “dick” debut years ago when he decided to show the world just how much of a cunt he’s become, but I’m not here to talk about his shitty personality today. Nope, I’m here to tell you that if you’ve always wanted to see Louis Stevens’ penis, then all your dreams will soon come true (you sad, sad human being).
For what seems like twenty fucking years now, Lars Von Trier has been hyping his new fancy porno flick, Nymphomaniac , which is the third film in his “depression series.” The first being the extremely fucked up (and also sexually graphic) movie Antichrist.
Then he released Melancholia, which I can’t say a single bad thing about because that movie was fucking breathtaking and beautiful and wonderful. Now, he’s giving us Nymphomaniac, and so far all I know about this movie is that we’re going to see Shia LaBeouf’s dick and listen to him talk in a shitty British accent.
Von Trier’s new movie is set to premiere at the upcoming Berlin Film Festival, because apparently the German’s are still into torturing people and want us all to see Shia’s dick (I am very aware of how wildly insensitive that joke was and I accept any and all back lash).
For a while now, it’s been debated whether or not Shia would actually be shown having sex in this glorified celebrity sex tape; he said he’d be fucking on camera, others said Von Trier spent an insane amount of time digitally putting the actors faces on the bodies of porn stars, but now it’s official: the movie will be shown at the festival UNCENSORED and featuring Shia’s la beouf.
Apparently, the movie had to be cut into two parts because it is FIVE AND A HALF HOURS LONG! That is almost six hours of watching celebrities fuck each other so you KNOW I’m probably going to watch this shit, which sucks because the idea of seeing Shia LaBeouf’s dick makes me feel like this:
Lewis Stevens naked? I just can’t. Between Shia flaunting his dick in this new movie, one of those little boy Olsen twins from The Suite Life of Zach and Cody taking a nude selfie, Selena Gomez banging Justin Bieber, and the clip of Miley’s new video for Adore You where her ass is practically naked and she’s masturbating, the Disney channel is officially ruined for me. RUINED.