Shia LaBeouf seems to be having a total breakdown this past year right in front of our eyes. He’s losing whatever little likeability he had left, he’s shamelessly stealing other people’s work, and he looks like he smells like homelessness and urine. He’s even pulled the whole “I’m retiring. JUST KIDDING!” shtick that I wish both he and Justin Bieber wouldn’t have teased me with so.
Except LaBeouf isn’t having his own Britney or Amanda meltdown in the public eye. What he’s doing is pulling another copy+paste moment with his life and totally hijacking Joaquin Phoenix’s “misunderstood looney” bit from a few years ago. But he has magically made it even lamer and more ridiculous.
Shia LaBeouf, being the dirty stinking not retiring liar that he is, was at a press conference for his new movie Nymphomaniac. It’s a film where he fucks on camera but it isn’t a porno because it’s deep and art. LaBeouf showed up in his usual pleasant manner, looking he was auditioning for an upcoming season of Intervention: Celebrity Edition. He was missing a tooth and appeared to be on the Charlie Sheen approved diet of insanity and crack. After only one question, LaBeouf got all indignant and spouted out some nonsensical crap about fisherman or Scuttle or some shit.
“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much.”
Seems Shia can’t even make up his own stupid because he stole that shit some from French soccer player.
After storming off the panel because he is just so above doing his fucking job, LaBeouf still had a red carpet he was contractually obligated to walk. So he put on his best rented Men’s Warehouse tuxedo and paired it with his fancy brown paper bag that probably came from Whole Foods because that is the supermarket version of a pretentious hipster.
I have never wanted to fill a sock with frozen butter and pull an Ike Turner on someone’s face so badly in my life. I can’t wait for the day when Shia is living in a prostitute ridden motel, sharing a bed with his naked mom, just harassing the shit out of Disney execs for them to bring back an updated version of Even Stevens a la Girl Meets World. We’ll see how long LaBeouf can really be “too good” for acting when he is broke as shit and people actually stop giving a damn about him.
But for now, I will just leave it the original “Bat Shit Crazy for the Craft” King.