Being that – well – I’m sans a peen, I don’t happen to be a regular reader of Men’s Health magazine.

However, one gathers that it is as sophisticated at dishing out relationship advice as Cosmopolitan magazine is at teaching 30 somethings how to snare a mate without the aid of bear traps.

The magazine recently came back on the radar after breaking its own cardinal rules and putting clothed males on the cover. Under the guise of advertising the clothing worn, they single-handedly dissuaded their female readers from purchasing the publication. Let’s face it, they weren’t buying it for the articles.

Pretty sure no one buys this mess for the articles. Only for the hopes of getting buff, laid and kitting out their pad in a non-poncy way. In that order.

A recent article of theirs was just the height of too muchery. An absolute zinger. It had to be commented on. ‘27 Obvious Signs She Wants You’, which should have really been called ‘27 Obvious Signs She’s a Cat Lady/ a Stalker/ …Screw it RUN!’

The piece – penned by Lisa Jones, who one can assume is delightful assuming she’s not taking the piss – lists signs that a woman is hell bent on getting you into bed. As if a woman pulling down her pants incrementally between shots is not enough of a hint. You can check out the full article, but the below is a summary of some of its oddities. Plus a few comments that hecklerspray would like to add.

“27 Obvious Signs She Wants You” from Men’s Health.

1. I call you by your first name instead of your nickname, because, babe, I’m not one of your buds, nor do I intend to become one.

Actually, this one is not wholly accurate. I don’t ever recall calling a partner by their nickname. One, out of manners. Two – babe – who over the age of 12 has a nickname? We can assume the average Men’s Health reader is over that age, so calling “Bob” by his given name and not “Tiger” should not be a problem.

3. I rub my lips together often in your presence.

This one is misguided. Things like the woman scratching the inside of her wrists, playing with her hair etc are more likely to mean she wants to jump your bones. Smacking her lips together like Saint Angelina just stole the last of her lip balm is probably her telling you she’s thirsty. “I don’t really want to sleep with you, ta very much. But I would love another white wine”.

Seriously, the woman would end up looking deranged. Unless you’re on a blind date with LL Cool J, don’t assume the crazy woman licking her lips/ rubbing them together wants you.

4. I sit at the edge of my seat.

This one is a howler. If a woman is sitting on the edge of her seat, it’s because your witty retelling of how you buried your ex under the patio didn’t go down so well and she’s planning a swift exit.

7. My speech pattern is starting to resemble, like, Kirsten Dunst’s.

If, like, the girl talks like she’s been lobotomised, it’s probably because she missed a few vital years of schooling. That, or she’s a Cosmo reader and for that reason too, she should be avoided.

9. I touch you (for any reason) more than once.

The vagueness of this one is a little odd. So, mid date, if I were to lean over and punch you in the face, that would be flirting? Really, Men’s Health! Oh, thank heavens.

12. I use your name often in conversation.

Ha. This one is not quite as it seems. When I do this, it’s because I’m trying to remember the guy’s name. Along with his height, weight etc. It all helps when putting together the inevitable restraining order. Either that or the date may have more than one guy on the go. A Pavlovian drilling of your name into her head means that should you be lucky enough to score, she is marginally less likely to call out the wrong name. Don’t complain.

23. I ask you if you know where the coatroom/bathroom/VIP room in this place is. When you tell me, I raise my eyebrows, turn, and walk in the correct direction.

Any small child can follow directions of their own accord. Why would the woman need to ask. Sigh. Well, at least this one means she has her hearing and most of her faculties about her. Which are great, sure.

24. I’m in the bathroom for more than 3 minutes, which is always more than adequate time to actually pee.

This one had me at hello. I’m just about un-lady like enough to expand upon a point made by one Men’s Health commenter; your date could totally take a dump in three minutes. Yep.

Why you’d be timing her trip or why you’d be bored enough to notice is not mentioned. So I’m guessing the writer’s point was that if the woman spends less than the length of a song in the bathroom she’s doing her makeup or a number one. Any longer and she’s forgotten you’re waiting, she’s gassing on the phone to her mates…. or having a really long pee.

If you want more majesty like this, check out Amy’s day job at Amygrindhouse.com

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