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On Saturday night, the impossible happened. Something that simultaneously blew our minds and changed the face of British popular culture forever – Darren Gough won Strictly Come Dancing. Seriously, what’s that about?
But that wasn’t the big news – the realistic best that Darren Gough can expect from winning Strictly Come Dancing will be to get a job as Third Man From The Left in a touring version of Guys And Dolls – everyone is more concerned with Shayne Ward, the winner of X Factor.
Shayne Ward winning X Factor would have been a valid case for a news story, if only every single person who had ever watched X Factor didn’t know that Shayne would win from the very start of the series.
Usually at this point we’d give you some X Factor betting odds but now that X Factor is over, we’ve nothing to give you. But – to save you screaming and crying and shaking like those babies born addicted to heroin – we’re letting you down easy with some entirely made up X Factor betting odds…
Odds that – despite being sung over and over again all the time on
Saturday’s X Factor – not a single person can remember what That’s My
Goal actually sounds like – 2/1
Odds that the version of My Way that the X Factor rejects sang on
Saturday would probably sell more copies of That’s My Goal if it was
also released on Wednesday – 3/1
Odds that Simon Cowell will go topless next season after realising
that he can’t be bothered to even fasten the two shirt buttons that he
sported on Saturday’s X Factor - 6/1
Odds that Andy Abraham will shortly be admitted to hospital for RSI
brought on by his constant ‘open hand/clenched fist/open hand’ singing
style – 5/1
Odds that the next request that Journey South are given will be "Big Mac extra value meal please." – 4-1
Odds that by this time next year, the only X Factor contestant that anyone will still be talking about is Chico – 8/1
Odds that Simon Cowell’s teeth will soon become so bright that
anyone who looks at them will instantly be turned into stone - 6/1
Odds that Shayne Ward’s family will go out on a fighty, rapey rampage to celebrate his X Factor success – 9/1
Odds that, at some point during the next season of X Factor, Kate
Thornton will look at least vaguely competent, if only for a single
fleeting second – 23/1
Odds that, in the future, Shayne Ward will talk about That’s My Goal
in a slightly embarrassed way, complain that That’s My Goal wasn’t
really his style of song, avoid singing That’s My Goal in his concerts
and secretly resent ever singing the bleeding song in the first place -
Evens
Why not listen to That’s My Goal on a brilliant new mp3 player from kelkoo.co.uk?
[story by Stuart Heritage]
{ 105 comments… read them below or add one }
lmao, thanks for the betting odds throughout X Factor. best damn thing about the whole series!
shayne is fit he cn sing rlllly gd hes gorgeous and im glad he won!
i love shayne hes so fit i voted 4 him a million times and give him some advice
he needs to dump his gf trust
plz pas this on to shayne and get him to write bk plz it will my bst b-day present eva i saw him on x factor i was there well done shayne
email me bk if u can shayne 4 me b-day plzzzzzzzzzzzzz
on:
sophia100@hotmail.co.uk
fnx very much u fit piece of shit
hey im not a craazy fan or nuttin dont worry bout that im just normal and no im not deeply in love with u just please can i give u advise u r worth so much more that the gf u ave im not gunna dis her but i ave a stunning mum evry1 thinks shes my sister so if u r intrested lol she free for the moment please can u reply i would luv 2 speak with u i wanna be a singer when im older and i int gunna give up no matter wot its my dream and i belive that i can do this please reply at kwl_blonde_15@hotmail.co.uk or lcbradley@dsl.pipex.com im not a crazy fan so please dont treat me like 1
o.m.g i absolutely adore shayne i always have throughout the whole show! is there any chance of him coming to ireland cos i wud be delighted if he did!xXx luv ya shayne
hi shayne i just wanted 2 tel u dat i stuck by u all da way through da show an i will stick by u all da way until u stop singin an dats my goal lol.
an i hope dat u sing 4 ever n ever.
ps lovin ur first song that my goal. gd luck hun.
i lv u so much lv emma xxxxx
iya shayne
just wanna say i think you’re the mintest guy going i’m so buzzing that ya won, and i’ll be in the shops early tommorrow to get ya single can’t wait
love ya
im soooo glad shane won i wanted nicholas 2 win bt then he went an it depended on shane hes soooo bum luv xxxxxxxxdemixxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Shayne,
Congratulation,
I love your personality. please save your purity and keep being far from bad behaviours of some famous people.
God bless you
yes save your purity from bad behaviours from famous people….and your raping,murdering family
cheers
john
LOL! The british public are naive. The real winner here is the record company and the t.v producers. Making the rich richer, while the poor chav majority goes out and spends there little money on a worthless marketed product…..suckers!
the sloane….
of course the record company is going to benefit… everyone knows that! but at the end of the day it depends on whether the artist has talent and isn’t a cocky shit!…. look at will young, he won pop idol, and he’s doing pretty well for himself!… Shayne isn’t going to disapear.. he is going to go far, because he is determined to…. and he is completely gorgeous and talented! (and he isn’t a cocky little shit!)
I can’t wait till next year, when he’ll start writing his own stuff… it’ll be great!
Hey! jst wanna say tat uz mazin! n fit! lolz. i voted lyk 60 tymz bt it waz worth it! gd luck wit ya sining n hpe 2 c ya in concert sn! do ur thing! lolz. love ya babez! gd luck
, sinead xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Can you illiterate bastards actually type whole words? It’s not a fucking text message.
Woah! easy there! no need 2 get lary! just coz most of us shayne fans r young girls who wanna rite as if txtin or on msn dnt mean u can lash out! anywayz wel dun shayne ur fantastic, u made me cry wen ya sang over the rainbow and i went straight out and bought Thats my Goal and i dont care if people reckon we dont remember the words coz i no em all by heart coz i just love u n ur song! lol newayz big up 2 all shayne fans cant wit 2 c u on tour! o and by da way dnt listen 2 all da ppl sayin u shud dump ur gf, dey dnt even no her n i fink shes stunning!! luv ya xxxxxxxxxxxxx
shayneward i think u are so sexy i would marry u i went to one of the x factor shows and seen u i think u are so great and u luck fit in black i would stick bye u al the way through if faye dont then she needs her head lucking at i like the same things that u do i like music and football your mom must be so proud of u i no i would i am 18 year old and i have never like a man like i like u love u for ever love stephanie
OMG SHAYNE WARD IS TOTALY FIT AND I WUD LOVETO MEET HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHRIST HOW LUCKY IS IS LASS I WUD LOVE TO GO WIT SHAYNE
ALAHNNA 4 SHANYE 4 EVA
Everyone is mad I am a big fan of you I play your song everyday word of advise do not dump your girlfriend because if you do you will never find someone who loves you as much as her because she loved you before you were a star.
I LOVE YOU
OMG SHAYNE U R SO FIT I WOULD LOVE TO GO WITH U IM SO GLAD U WON UR GREAT CANT STOP LISTENING TO UR CD ITS ACE LOVE U SO MUCH X X X X X X X X X
Hey babe katie in da crib lol anywayz i luv ur song n as soon as da cd came out i went n brought it i think ur brill n it wud b mint if u came 2 Bristol cuz i wud b der no matter wot lol..cnt wait 4 ur album 2 cum out i will buy dat str8 away by the way ur gf i is so lucky 2 ave u n she stuck by u thro everythin dnt listen 2 wot any1 else say anywayz lot of luv from ur biggest fan eva luv ya loads Katie xxxmwahxxx
I LOVE YOU SHAYNE YOU ARE LIKE DROP DEAD GORGEOUS AND I THINK YOU DESERVE TO WIN I AM LIKE SUCH A BIG FAN OF YOURS I WATCHED X FACTOR ON THE NIGHT THEN THE REPLAY IN THE MORNING AND I RECORDED IT.YOU ARE SO FIT AND HOT AND I LOVE YA
LOADS OF LOVE AMY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
SHAYNE IS A SEX GOD THE BEST LOOKING LAD IN THE WORLD
LOVE JAMIE LEE
SHAYNE M8 U R DEFINETLY THE HOTTEST GUY THAT HAS EVER BEEN ON TV I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WAS WITH U ALL THE WAY ON THE XFACTOR AND I KNEW U WAS GOING 2 WIN U R THE BEST AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH XXX I AM LIKE YOUR BIGGEST FAN, U DO HEAR THAT AL THE TIME PROBZ BUT I REALLY AM I LOVE YOU SO MUCH U DESERVE THIS!! LOTS OV HUGZ AND KISSES XXXXXX LOVE SOPHIE XXXXXX
Shayne Ward def deserved 2 win! hes gorjus, can sing, nice guy and all mre wot mre culd we want? Shayne is gonna make it to the top, hes the new justin/robbie so watch out
lol cant wait till he cums in concert wot a nyt dat wuld be,cin da sxc guy sing 
lol well done shayne u deserved it so mch!we send all r love and support 2 u!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxox Luv from Lizi and Kirsty from Belfast
Hi
I just wanted to say congrats you deserved it and the fact that you done it for your mum is soo sweet!
My mums like my best friend so i know what you mean about given bits back.
I wish you all the best and good luck for the new year.
Love Lynn
Hi i just wanted to say well done shayne for winning x factor u r amazin. u r also drop dead gorgeous. u deserved congratulations luv ya jess xxxxxxxxx
Hiya Shane
Voted for u and journey south every week bti guted that journey south came 3rd as i am from Middlesbrough but still love ur new song and dowloaded it straight away on ma ipod
I’m a huge fan, I think you’re great and you’re an amazing singer. I went out and bought your song as soon as it was in the shops. You’re an amazing singer and all in my house and at my school love you!
hey shane , i think your a amazing singer and i bought ur single from shops
iam glad you won x factor because youre the best 4 ever 2006. my school loves you aswell
hi shayne is the fittest man alive i love him please marry me . U R GORGEOUS love u!!! xxxxxxxxxx charlotte xxxxxxxxx
SHAYNE M8 U R DEFINETLY THE HOTTEST GUY THAT HAS EVER BEEN ON TV I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WAS WITH U ALL THE WAY ON THE XFACTOR AND I KNEW U WAS GOING 2 WIN U R THE BEST AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH XXX I AM LIKE YOUR BIGGEST FAN, U DO HEAR THAT AL THE TIME PROBZ BUT I REALLY AM I LOVE YOU SO MUCH U DESERVE THIS!! LOTS OV HUGZ AND KISSES XXXXXX LOVE jayne XXXXXX
i am shayne ward’s no. 1 fan in DUBAI!!!
damn shayne is soooooooo hot!! lol
Sara
hi shayne i think u r well fit iam 10 years old i love singing and think u r the best i have a singing teacher aswell i would love if i could sing 4 u i really want to meet u so plzplzplzplzplzplzplzplzplz email ma back i love you from laura from manchester
i jst wanna say i thought shane was drop dead georgouers wen e 1st auditiond the very 1st time.im so glad that e won i cried with happynes 4 him.cnt belive people have been sayin that ur gf is ugly wen she is nt people r jst jelous cause she has got u!i think we have another justin timberlake looke like well dne hun u really deserved 2 win! cant wait 2 buy is albam! hope 2 c in concert hun lv carla xxXx plz show shane plz plz x.x..x
shayne ward im his no 1 fan i luv im i i voted 4 im every time 2 keep im in and he won yes i wuld luv 2 meet u 1 day but i need 2 no how culd u help me plzplzplzplz email me bk luv shaz xxxxxxxxx
shane u r brilliant and r a great singer
omg shane is gorgeous!! how can anybody be so hot!! i love you!! x x
Anyone actually think Shayne/Shane/Attention Whore actually reads this?
He’s like the condom in a drunken fumble – momentarily useful at the time, then tossed away the morning after when you realise what you’ve just done.
hey ya im kirsty
i think shayne ward it the best. he is an amazing singer.you cant even discribe it,it’s sooo good!!!
i love shayne to bits he is soo hot and fit!!!!!!!!!!!
hi i agree with every1 else shayne is gurrrjusssss and has a brilliant unique voice as much as ai like him i still think he should stick with his girlfriend as shes obviously supported him b4 and whilst the show was on good luck 4 the future if u read this shayne!!!!
ma mom finks andy shud a wun i disagree
shayne i think u r gorgeous and u have an amzing voice i am glad that u won the x factor i didnt really like andy that much i think u have a gorgeous smile the thing i love about u the most is ur voice and bum. I think ur girlfriend is really lucky 2 be goin out with her (loads of girls would do anythin for her 2 swith places with her)every time i see ur face in a magazine i have 2 buy it and put it in a a box coz i have a big box full of ur pictures well g2g now shayne luv ya loads nessxxxxxxxx 15 years old
well done shayne
love caitlin
hello shayne u r so fit u aregreat i think your voice is so good andsay go louiexxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I LOVE U SO MUCH U R SO KL PLZ READ THIS AND SEND A MESSEGE BAK LOVE U BI XXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!
u r sooooooooooooooooo fit i wish u wer my boyfriendxxxxxxxxlove yaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
HI SHAYNE I AM A NO1. FAN OF U PLEZ CAN U EMAIL ME BCK AZ I WULD BE DA HAPPIEST GAL EVA PLEZ SHAYNE
hi shayne you r so fit. I am your no.1 fan. you r a great singer and i voted for you on every night. i so wish you were mine you are bum
plz plz plz write back 2 me
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You are a great star and i think you made your family proud. giving up everything for your family is so sweet.
hi shayne you r so fit. I am your no.1 fan. you r a great singer and i voted for you on every night. i so wish you were mine you have a nice bum …. shayne i think u r gorgeous and u have an amzing voice i am glad that u won the x factor i didnt really like andy that much i think u have a gorgeous smile the thing i love about u the most is ur voice and bum. I think ur girlfriend is really lucky 2 be goin out with her (loads of girls would do anythin for her 2 swith places with her)every time i see ur face in a magazine i have 2 buy it and put it in a a box coz i have a big box full of ur pictures well g2g now shayne luv ya loads
PLZ READ THIS AND SEND A MESSEGE BAK love ya loads natalie bye bye XXXXXXX