You know when you’re trying to find a suitable Mother’s Day card – basically a folded piece of paper that somehow makes up for you breaking your Mum’s heart by never calling when you say you will?

And you know how a lot of those Mother’s Day cards have To The World’s Best Mum written in huge pink letters all over the front of them? Well, don’t buy the cards that say that, because those cards are covered in lies. Your Mum isn’t the best Mum in the world. Sharon Osbourne is the best Mum in the world. How do we know that Sharon Osbourne is the best Mum in the world? Because people who buy stuff from Freemans Catalogue told us, and that’s as good as gospel.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day in England, a fact relentlessly shoved
down our throats by the constant adverts for Journey South albums on
TV. And here’s another sign that Mother’s Day is on the way – World’s
Best Mum polls are springing up left right and centre, like the
Freemans one that recently voted Sharon Osbourne (Stuff) the best Mother on the
face of the Earth.

Why did Sharon Osbourne win the best Mum poll? Was it because of
Sharon Osbourne’s frightening Anne Robinson haircut? Was it the way
that Sharon Osbourne all but rubbed her vagina up Shayne Ward’s chin
during every single episode of X Factor last year? Was it because
Sharon Osbourne constantly stands by daughter Kelly through every
cack-handed effort to establish herself as a singer? Maybe the fact
that Sharon Osbourne is solely responsible for making Chico famous? Maybe because Sharon Osbourne called Mother Teresa a "cunt"? Who
knows.

People are pointing to Sharon’s battle with colon cancer and her
nursing of Ozzy Osbourne after his quad bike accident as indicators of
her worth as a mother – which is odd, since neither having cancer or
looking after your seriously injured husband has much to do with being a Mum. When told
of her award, Sharon Osbourne said:

"I am truly honoured and speechless – which is a first! It has been a very tough few years and the British public
have been so supportive of me and the family, and seen that I am a real
old-fashioned British girl at heart."

Sharon
Osbourne took 25% of the votes in the Best Mum poll, beating off the
undisputed mothering skills of a woman who has starred in a freely-available home sex tape (Jordan – 16%), a woman who was on the front cover of a newspaper apparently snorting cocaine last year (Kate Moss – 14%), the step-mother of a
boy who likes to dress up as a Nazi (The Duchess Of Cornwall – 10%) and six
other reasonably famous mothers (Penny Lancaster – 8%, Melanie Sykes – 7%, Davina McCall – 4%, Louise Redknapp – 4%, Tess Daly – 3%, Lorraine Kelly – 2%)

Happy Mother’s Day, Sharon.

Read more:

Who’s This Year’s Celeb Mum? – Sky 

[story by Stuart Heritage]