Sharon and Ozzy Can’t Sell Their House Because of You

Former rock star Ozzy Osbourne and his certifiable wife Sharon cannot sell their mansion because hordes of sightseers keep turning up and putting potential buyers off.

You filthy scum, you.

That Sharon blames us, you, or you personally for her house not being sold is certainly something of a surprise. The entire place is probably covered in animal faeces, urine, and discarded class-A drugs and somehow that’s someone else’s fault. Sigh, it’s always the rich ones, eh?

"Sharon and Ozzy are becoming very frustrated that they cannot sell their house." an acquaintance commented "Fans are always turning up outside to have a nosy around and the place has become a regular stop on Los Angeles tourist trips."

Their Beverly Hills abode is worth a reputed $6 million, and, yes, it is the one featured in MTV show The Osbournes (DVDs). Whoop-de-do.

"Sharon is now desperate to vacate as soon as possible. She reckons
that if the house doesn’t sell in the next month she and Ozzy will open
it as an Osbourne attraction."

An Osbourne attraction? The mind boggles. We assumed anything
attractive to do with an Osbourne would have to be the wodges of cash
they have stashed in the bank, or that Ozzy has left stuck down the
side of the sofa. No wonder everyone is so keen to get inside and have
a gander.

"It could be a moneyspinner." the unnamed source concluded of ‘Osbourne World’.

That it could be.

Jack selling weight loss DVDs on the door, Kelly running a burger stall
in the garden, Sharon yelling at anybody who so much as mumbles
something derogatory about her children, and Ozzy standing in the
kitchen shaking up fresh milkshakes - without the add of a machine.

Throw in the normal one who nobody ever sees and we’ve got The Munsters all over again.

Ah, there’s nothing like the smell of a tired gag in the morning.

[story by Chris Laverty]