Michael Jackson’s memorial service is, fittingly, expected to be a show to remember for those fortunate enough to gain entrance.
Yes, today is the day. Mr Michael Jackson – pop legend and child nightmare – is due to give his final performance. As befitting the clown prince of showbiz, it’s going to be a monstrous affair, filled with music royalty, heads of the entertainment industry and… a kid from Wales who came seventh in a talent competition.
Really? Wow.
See you after the jump, when we… honestly, that smug little tosswad with the hair gel?
Mariah Carey, Smokey Robinson and Jennifer Hudson are all reported to be slicing onions in preparation for the unprecedented weepfest that will be Jacko’s memorial service later today. Popular music gods and goddesses, one and all. So who will be joining them in this legendary, once in a lifetime, never seen again spectacular?
Martin Luther King III? Fair enough, the son of the civil rights movement legend will surely be a welcome addition to the remembrance service for an iconic black singer.
Berry Gordy Jr? Absolutely. Founder of what was the most important black music label in America and the man who signed the Jackson Five: should definitely be there.
Shaheen Jafargholi? For sure, because he… well, he… hang on, it’s coming back now. He sang a Michael Jackson song in a talent contest, got through to the final and then lost to some dancing tosscups and Susan Boyle. And four other people.
Hey, Rolling Stone: you seem like a good egg. Is this true?
“Usher, Stevie Wonder, John Mayer, Mariah Carey and more stars have been confirmed to partake in Michael Jackson?s memorial service…at Los Angeles? Staples Center. Here?s the entire Michael Jackson memorial roster, as it stands now: …[blah blah, industry legends]…Shaheen Jafargholi…[etc etc, people with a history of producing pop music classics]…”
So. Jackson’s family, lawyers, business partners and various shady advisers believe that it will be a fitting tribute to his death to have a 12-year-old boy up on stage at his memorial service? Oh, screwsocks, why not. Here are our recommendations for how Shaheen’s act might go:
1) Jackson’s abusive childhood is remembered by having Joe Jackson come onstage during Shaheen’s performance and thrash at him wildly with a diamond-studded leather belt.
2) Jackson’s descent into madness is memorialised by attaching a rope to Shaheen’s ankle, pulling him four hundred feet into the air and then placing a lit candle to the rope until he signs a legally-binding document stating that it was wholly his choice to be hoisted and that Michael Jackson is a lovely human being who we could all learn a thing or two from. Particularly regarding how adolescents love nothing better than to sleep in a strange man’s bed, so there.
3) Jackson’s hazy final days are honoured by replacing Shaheen’s onstage water supply with Jesus Juice. When he loses consciousness, he’s given massive doses of opiates, bundled into the back of a van and taken under constant helicopter surveillance to a local hospital. After a complete blood transfusion with Bubbles‘s blood, Shaheen will be tagged and released into the California countryside.
If we may, we offer an important caveat for such shenanigans: please, just make sure that Madonna is kept away from the kid at all times.
Because if she gets wind that there’s a child loose in LA without parental supervision, she’ll have the boy tucked up in bed and signing adoption release certificates before you can say “Malawi‘.
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VoteTheDay says
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Allie. says
Aw, bless. I bet Michael Jackson is beating it off in hell as we speak. BEATing IT off. BEAT IT! Geddit?
I thank you, thank you. You’ve been a great crowd!
nik says
i think who ever writes the articles for this site should b sacked!! who are u to judge anyone, (michael jackson – child nightmare) is that suppose to be funny, for someone reporting the news you dont dont know to much about it!!! and i watched BGT an seen the little lad an personally thought he was outstanding as did the rest of GB. its a day to remember the legend that was MJ, not make a mokery!!
JoeMomma says
I think people who like MJ should be given electro-shock therapy, maybe then they’ll have the brainwashing removed be knocked back into reality and realize that MJ was a no talent hack. That did nothing. Not to mention his “way with children”.
You people are MORONS.
Janet says
How dare you insult Michael! What the heck? “Michael Jackson- Child Nightmare”?? Michael lovedd children! Have you ever heard “we are the world” Does that sound like something a pedifile would sing? He wrote that song. while your at it, take a look at “childhood” them you’ll see…
sheila says
Shame on you! May he rest in peace. Find something better to with you time!
Sally says
You make me sick! How dare you call him a ‘child nightmare’ and completley insult him. And for your information, michael jackson thought shaheen jafargholi was incredible and invited him to sing at his concerts at the o2 in london. Notj ust this, he has an incredible voice and sings the song beautifully. Think next time you post insults such as these. Shame on you. Your obviously worthless.
chris says
What a stupid and ridiculous comment and a absolute disgrace of an author to write that about probably the worlds most famous person and singer on the day of celebrating his death you disgusting freak.
MJ is a legend, and he has had his critisicm. But if you got accused of murder and didn’t do it, then court pronounced you not guilty, it shows that you didn’t do it. well… michael was not guilty. And an idiot like you saying that is 100% disrespectful and you don’t even know you are born. You need to go an find some respect for people and stop trying to show off in front of the public.
Today is a day to celebrate the great life of michael and all he has done. So I hope everyone ignores this stupid author who wrote this and any pathetik idiot who thinks they are cool to try and make MJ look bad, let me jsut say, no one is impressed by it, you just seem an immature little freak if you do.
We love you Michael, Rest In Peace Brother X
Cookie Webb says
I would just like to say this is pure hateration. Michael held the Guinness record for contributing to more charities than any other celebrity. He opened his home to cancer victims and underprivileged children. He raised millions for charity.
That being said, if anyone molested my child and I knew it, they wouldn’t have enough money to buy me off. I would want to see that person in jail. He was not convicted because the lawsuit was always about money. Do people remember how that woman moved into Michael’s home and went on shopping sprees using Michael
Kevin Alsten says
Get a life you ghoul
DaTruth says
Uhh actually he was charged and during the middle of the trial the charges were dropped by the parents after ‘discussions’ with the lawyers. That means hey paid them off.
You people(the fans) are the friggin bottom of the barrel of the human gene pool.
me says
JoeMomma you are an idiot!
me says
Idiot
Allie. says
Hahahaa!
I AM HILARIOUS.
Allie. says
You appear to lack a vocabulary range. Strange.
Allie. says
http://eyesforlies.blogspot.com/2009/07/michael-jackson-unseen-video.html
This is a blog by a woman who is one of 50 in the United States (scientists conducted an experiment with 15,000) who is, effectively, a human lie detector. Have a look at what she can do, glance at the cases she’s correctly commented on and then look at her evaluation on Michael Jackson.
Surfer says
What a horrible site. Remind me never to visit here again.
JoeMomma says
Allie, nice one!
But it won’t detract the midless drones that will follow blindly.
I personally belive it’s some subliminal thing that is broadcast out with the music and images that makes people so stupified.
All I can say is look up the “Party Posse” episdoe of the Simpsons. This is what ALL pop singers are. No talent hacks that can’t sing, that through the magic of technology sound and look good.
Most pop stars don’t write their own songs or play an insturment and can barely sing. Even I can sound good if I have 3 sound engineers farting around with my voice in a computer.
This whole MJ is a circus designed to detract people from real news. Sadly, we’ll never know what the real news is as it’s likely gone unreported.
Franklin says
“Michael lovedd children!”
How many times do you think he “loved” children?
Sarah says
Leave the kid alone. i think he is an amazing singer and if you have nothing better to do than pick on a 12 year old kid you need to get a life.
Michelle says
I guess you and the rest of the world don’t want to acknowledge the now young man that recently came out and has said that he basically lied on Michael so that he and his dad could get millions out of him. Oh I forgot the media doesn’t want anyone to know about this. Here’s the link right here.
http://www.techbanyan.com/4554/jordan-chandler-admits-lied-about-michael-jackson/
Funny thing is that I remember years ago when that guy who use to play Fraiser on Cheers molested some child, a young teen, it came out in the media and immediately disappeared, never to be heard of again. What a double standard this country has.
Michelle says
Wow you and all the others are so ignorant to human Psychology. Pick up a Human Psychology book will ya! In it you will see that there are people in this world, who for many reasons (In Michael’s, never being able to be a kid and experience life) who get stuck in stages. Mike was a grown man stuck in a child’s body. He had so many issues being that he never had a childhood, that he just remained there mentally.
It was because of this reason that his happiest moments were spent being in a “child like” state. I have heard countless celebrities say that they would visit him and he’s be watching cartoons, playing video games or some other child activity.
It was his innocense that got him into trouble. You and I know that its inappropiate for children to be in our beds, but try telling that to an adult who feels, himself to be a kid! Those famillies exploited this fact, made the allegations, and got the money they so eagerly craved.
What parent would put money over justice??? I have a 15 year old and you can believe that no amount of money would suffice my anger toward the person who would molest my child.
How disgusting to go around spending money you got from the abuser of your child. Does this make sense??
faye22 says
Allie you are an idiot, hope you die a miserable death and rot in hell. You are a very shallow person.
Joemamma, what a name, What talent do you have. MJ was a great singer, dancer and charity giver the world over. What do you have as an individual…..NOTHING. You are amoron yourself with nothing to show to the world. I suppose your accusationa are based on the press stories.
timo says
Any sane person would not accept money to drop those kind of charges. If a man molested my kids I would want blood not money. Plus the legal eagles in the US would not rest until they caught him out somehow, a child molester leaves a devastating trail. Look at OJ he was always guilty and the system knew that and kept at him till they caught him on other charges. Nobody knows anything except for the facts..which are that he was never found guilty of any bad.
RSS says
That kid has the most annoying voice I ever heard on a child singer.
No emotion, no control. Just irritating.
jjj says
He also did the show “Thriller Live”, he was actually handpicked by jacksons relatives WAY before he was in Britain’s Got Talent. As such he was one of the Jackson family’s EMPLOYEES. So he wasn’t there just because he had entered a competiton.//
Musa says
Allie, who gives a shit about some useless human lie detector. you are an asshole who really on crap like that as sources. I guess you will never acknowledge the fact that someone who claimed he was molested years ago just to take money out of a man who only wanted to do good to mankind. Poeple like u need to be castrated and left in the wild to be fed on by beasts.
Narrow minded ignorant no talent ass son of a bitch.
Musa says
I swear to God, People, You need a life. why can’t you leave the man alone even after his death. What did he ever do to u? those who claim michael jackson did not have any talent and all that bollocks about him being a whatever, I am so sick of your ignorance and your madness. you have nothing to write home about, you claim michael jackson is no news and that the real news is not being reported. how many times have u made donations to needy people? do you know how many children die a day due to hunger and poverty? well guess what, michael jackson knew and u dont. why? because you and the rest of the people who refuse to aknowledge any good but dwell on negativity will never know anything that happens to the rest of the world out there.you do not contribute in anyway to society. you are just here to make others’ life miserable and thats your only purpose in life. I feel sorry for you. all this bitterness and negativity. how do sleep at night? YOU need therapy, not michael jackson.