Sex and The City was a sitcom or something.

We never watched it, but it appears the main plot was bestiality based, as every episode contained 60 solid minutes of different men totally doing a big-nosed horse named Carrie.

Like we said, we never watched it.

Its target audience was perverted middle-aged women. It was so popular it spawned a movie that we think was about Spider-Man riding Carrie in several derbies, claiming swift victories everywhere they went. We never saw that one either.

Well if you loved the TV show, and you loved the movie – then you are totally gonna dig the two pre-teen Carrie-based books that are getting smeared all over Barnes & Noble really soon. That’s right – there are some novels about to come out about Carrie’s sexy adventures in high school.

Chapter one is about a horny janitor. Sorry to ruin plot.

It’s a little known fact that Sex and the City was originally supposed to be entitled ‘Sex with the City,’ but by the time the camera panned back far enough to film the obviously necessary scenes, Carrie looked like a gnat squirming this way and that with no real purpose or direction.

Also we heard she kept getting chaffed by New York’s subway system. These wounds, in turn, got really, really infected and filming got halted like 10 times.

And so was born Sex and the City, the most important piece of television since it was revealed Joe died in a bike crash or something in the Facts of Life made-for-TV reunion movie.

SATC is so popular it’s spawned comic books, look alike pageants, Lego collector sets, video games, breakfast cereals. a well-written movie and most importantly – the social acceptance of women who used to be considered pretty deformed.

It didn’t spawn any of those things. We wish it would though. Seriously – all that crap would be great. It is pushing out a couple of books though. They’ll be all about Carrie Bradshaw kicking it live in high school. These novellas will no doubt be perfect material to read your child as they drift off to sleep.

E! Online reports on the book deal:

“Candace Bushnell is doing her best to milk the cash cow that is Sex and the City completely dry, announcing plans to publish The Carrie Diaries, two young adult novels that will take readers back to the lady Bradshaw’s more formative high school years…”I’ve always been interested in exploring Carrie’s teenage years,” Bushnell [the author & basis for SATC] said. “Carrie in high school did not follow the crowd—she led it. It was there that she began observing and commenting on the social scene.”"

Doesn’t that sound good? Well it will be – we know because we’ve seen a leaked excerpt. We’ll show it to you if you promise not to tell anybody. It’s from chapter 4 in the first book. It details Carrie’s entrance into puberty:

“As Carrie woke her eyes focused on the pink wallpaper across from her bed. She’s seen it everyday for the past three years – yet somehow it looked different. She sat up and realised her boobs had leaked milk all over the inside of her pajama-top for the first time ever. And just like that, she knew she’d never be the same.

“The lactate got on her mattress too.”

We can tell that’s an accurate book-extract because of its spot-on description of a girl’s changing body. That’s really what gives it the air of truth.