Possibly in a bid to prove once and for all that filming the movie Milk didn’t really turn him gay, Sean Penn has decided to call off his legal separation from his big, fat, ugly wife.
For the record, the woman is probably small, thin and pretty – but wife-compliments are just the kind of thing Sean doesn’t allow people to throw around in his wife’s presence.
That’s why she was leaving him, we heard. We didn’t really hear that.
“I work hard all day, & when I come home all I want is a hot meal waiting for me and perhaps the sports-score section of the newspaper. Is that too much to ask? And by the way – your face is like 70% crows feet! Hag!”
Well that’s just the sort of talk you won’t find floating around the Penn house anymore. That’s because Sean Penn and his wife Beverly Butt Crack Magillicutty-Penn are currently reconciling again.
Please don’t make us check on her real name. Just take it.
News of their new found-again marital bliss may seem like deja vu. Well that’s because it’s already happened like a dozen times. Do you doubt our count? No really – sift them with us:
12: There’s the time he maybe left her for Sienna Miller
11: There’s the time he left her for a mule that he and Sienna rode on their second date
10: There’s the time he left her for A-Rod
11: There’s the time he left her for not getting mad enough when he left her for A-Rod
12: There’s the time he left her for a discounted turkey sandwich
13: There’s the time he left her not necessarily for any specific one person or sandwich, but because he wanted to take a year off to make steamy love to several hard working otters. We heard he was impressed because they seem so industrious.
Well look at that – there were thirteen instances. We must of missed one in our initial count.
Our legal department says some of those might be speculation-based. You know what’s not speculation? The fact that he had filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences recently. Well he’s calling it off again. People.com‘s got the skinny:
“The Oscar-winning actor filed a request Tuesday to dismiss his legal separation case, Marin County, Calif., court records show. “This appears to imply that they’re reconciling again,” says L.A. divorce lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. “It’s unlikely Sean Penn would request a dismissal for any other reason.” This is the second [read 13th] time the actor has rescinded divorce papers. Penn, 48, and Wright Penn, 43, started divorce proceedings in December 2007 after 11 years of marriage.”
Well all’s good in the Penn household. Until the next time he wants to watch that Deadliest Catch episode he DVRd like two weeks ago but she won’t let him because she’s in the middle of a Scooby-Doo on Monster Island marathon.
That’s the exact reason our parents split, incidentally. We’re just saying Penns – if you really want things to work maybe you should buy a second television. Or check out Hulu.
We hear they have quite a show selection.
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