Sean Paul – who, by law, you have to refer to as “Shanna Pall” if speaking aloud – is apparently the best-selling Jamaican music act in history.

This means he has outsold student poster staple Bob Marley, chubby bleating man-boy Sean Kingston and renowned murder-advocating homophobes Elephant Man, Beenie Man and Buju Banton. No mean feat, Shanna.

This year Sean Paul releases his fourth album, Imperial Blaze, which, sadly, is not a concept album about burning down the Death Star. Last week he flew to Blighty to do a bit of press ahead of the album’s release, and among the gems to arise from the trip were an admission that he would like to watch giraffes bumming and then show said bummage to a young Oriental ghost.

In an entertaining tete-a-tete with Pocket TV’s Matt Edmonson, Sean Paul grilled some of his meat on a barbecue while answering questions. After a frankly appalling spot of freestyling, Shanna got down to the business of being grilled himself, the first poser being: “If you could watch any breed of animal copulate, what would you go for?”

Sean Paul gave the question due consideration before answering:

“Giraffes… It’s a funny thing to think about, giraffe sex. And then maybe I would get into giraffe porn. Probably sell it, sell giraffe porn throughout the Earth. Because not everywhere in the world has giraffes, and I think it would really sell, like… maybe in Japan.”

When then asked what he would do if he found his house was haunted by “a scary Japanese child”, Sean was in little doubt as to the sequence of events that would ensue:

“I would first introduce the child to soya bean milk. Then, after that, you kinda break in the giraffe porn. Like, slowly but surely.”

Whatever you may think about Sean Paul’s apparent fascination with the sex lives of giraffes – and we all have our own peccadilloes, so let’s not judge – you have to admit that his willingness to own up to it makes for entertaining viewing, as you’ll see if you watch the video below.

Also, this incident serves to clarify the meaning behind his smash hit song Gimme The Light. While some have suggested the song has drug connotations – a ‘light’ being another way to refer to a ‘lighter’, which can be used to ‘light’ a ‘joint’ of ‘weed’, i.e. set it to ‘burning’, before ‘inhaling’ the ‘intoxicating’ ‘fumes’  – clearly the tune’s lyrics were referring to a torch. A torch which Shanna uses to illuminate the darkness beneath his duvet, where he spends, presumably, hours lingering over giraffe pornography.

Similarly, it now becomes clear that Get Busy was all about giraffes rutting. It seems so obvious now.

One has to wonder whether those who have purchased Sean Paul’s records would have been quite so keen to part with their cash if they knew that the proceeds were going towards feeding the artist’s apparently chronic, unquenchable thirst for images of hot, dusty, grunting giraffe copulation. Still, if it wasn’t that it would be something else. It’s always something with these pop stars, isn’t it?

Should you be in any doubt as to the veracity of the above quotations, behold:

This was a guest blog by Stuart Waterman from the marvellous My Chemical Toilet, which is very good.

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