There was a time when hunting was an absolute necessity of survival. Several hundred years ago, for instance, when hecklerspray was little more than scribble on a parchment kept in a community urn, we were staunch advocates of killing all sorts of big eyed baby animals for a quick meal. We used to dry their flesh in the sun and add dirt for seasoning. Today though, the very thought disgusts us.
Today we find unnecessary hunting completely intolerable, especially when the animals being lined up in so many gun scopes are fuzzy, soft, and want to be our pets. We’re not alone in our detest either. The Paul McCartney‘s hate it too, proving once again that we have more in common with the ex-Beatle than just writing killer riffs.
There is an unholy tradition in parts of Canada, an annual unholy
tradition at that. It’s a seal hunt, and it generally begins mid
March – mere weeks from now. Paul McCartney (CDs) and his lady wife Heather are flying to the area,
with hopes to land a helicopter on an iceberg in prime seal territory
to take a look at seal pups before the harpoons start flying. The goal
is to draw global attention to the plight of the seals, and ideally for
the Canadian feds to call off the hunt altogether.
In November of ’05, Paul McCartney sent a statement to the man who was serving
as Canada’s prime Minister at the time – Paul Martin. It was a
statement announcing his intentions come the impending seal season:
wanted to put you on notice that if Canada moves forward with another
hunt next year, we will do all we can to focus attention on this
unjustified, outdated and truly horrific practise, including,
potentially, visiting the seals and the ice."
And so they shall, it seems, visit said ice. And when the ice is
done offering them warm drinks and cookies, it’s off to save the seals
by looking at them. If the McCartneys plan ahead, they’ll bring along
plenty of beach balls, dive rings, and a learn-to-juggle instructional
video to play in a seal VCR. Now you tell us, who could club that
polished an act?
The thing is, apparently the seal hunt isn’t so much a sport as it
is a necessity for the people who live there. Federal Fisheries
Minister Loyola Hearn said of the people’s seal need:
encourage Mr. McCartney when he comes here to see the effect this is
having on the economy and to realise this is sustaining people in their
Now hecklerspray, always siding with whatever we’ve most recently
read, are very worried about the seal-less people in that part of
Canada. We shall ourselves hunt the seals on their behalf. We will
hunt every single seal we come upon while those beautiful natives relax
on their igloo sun decks. And when our spears are blunt from too much
seal stabbing, we’ll use our hands, teeth, and other dead seals
to continue the murderous venture. Our only concern is keeping the
seal people supplied with seal fat to burn for warmth, and seal bones
to turn into combs, barrettes and back scratchers.
But while we’re out there hunting our first seal, and our eyes are
temporarily blinded by a thick sheet of Canadian eyeball ice, and the
first seal we bring back is accidentally Mr. Heidi Klum awkwardly slung
in a fish net over our shoulder, don’t turn his bones into anything.
Patch him up and loose him back into the ocean. Our humanitarian
streak doesn’t allow for cannibalism.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]