Alright, maybe that's an overstatement – Velvet Revolver never having even existed in the first place is clearly better than that – but Scott Weiland being all whiny in public will do for now.
Scott Weiland has put out an angry, confusing statement about his dismissal from Velvet Revolver where, at one point, he tips Johann Sebastian Bach to become his replacement. Which would work – dig up the 250-year-dead Bach, pump him full of heroin, slap a ridiculous Nazi hat onto his mouldy corpse head and he'd be the spitting image of Scott Weiland. Alright, he actually meant Sebastian Bach from Skid Row. But that's less funny so we'll ignore it.
Like many people, we never really saw the point of Velvet Revolver. We never wondered what some of Guns N' Roses would sound like if a skinny heroin addict sang their songs instead of a tubby ginger bloke with dreadlocks, and we certainly didn't want to hear them perform any Pink Floyd cover versions.
But, now that the current incarnation of Velvet Revolver is splitting up, we've finally discovered what the band means to us. Moderate hilarity, that's what. Everything Velvet Revolver did was brilliant. If Coldplay got banned from Japan, for example, or Chris Martin crashed his car on drugs or Gwyneth Paltrow burnt his clothes, it wouldn't be especially funny. But that's only because Chris Martin doesn't dress up as a heroin-blasted Nazi onstage. That makes everything funny.
Funnier still was yesterday's news that Velvet Revolver was sacking Scott Weiland for being weird. Admittedly the news that Scott Weiland was going to reform Stone Temple Pilots in his new-found free time was less funny – the world generally needs a Stone Temple Pilots reunion like it needs to be kicked down a lift shaft by a nun – but Scott's done his best to make up for it.
Why? Because he's responded to his sacking with the most deranged, froth-mouthed statement you're ever likely to hear. Here it is, in full. Thank us later:
After reading the comment by Duff, Matt, Dave and the illustrious "GUITAR HERO," Saul Hudson, a.k.a Slash, I find it humorous that the so called four "founding members" of Velvet Revolver, better known to themselves as "the Project" before I officially named the band, would decide to move on without me after I had already claimed the group dead in the water on March 20 in Glasgow. In response to Slash's comment regarding my commitment, I have to say it is a blatant and tired excuse to cover up the truth. The truth of the matter is that the band had not gotten along on multiple levels for some time. On a musical level, there were moments of joy, inspiration, fun… at times, but let's not forget the multiple trips to rehab every member of the band had taken (with the exception of one member, no need to mention his name). Personally speaking, I choose to look forward to the future and performing with a group of friends I have known my entire life, people who have always had my back. This also speaks to my commitment to my music and my fellow band mates in STP and to the fans who I feel would much rather watch a group of musicians who enjoy being together as opposed to a handful of discontents who at one time used to call themselves a gang.
p.s. don't be fooled by veiled trickery
p.p.s good hunting lads, I think Sebastian Bach would be a fantastic choice.
Oh, paranoid heroin-addled conspiracy theorists, where would we be without you? But still, now that both Velvet Revolver and Scott Weiland have got their sides of the story across, perhaps this means they'll be able to get on with their lives in peace again.
Pah, where's the fun in that? Hey Slash, are you going to sit there and let Scott Weiland insult you like that? You're not going to react? That's rubbish – call him a bastard. Call him an arse-helmet. Call him anything you like, just do it in public. You can't allow something as beautiful as this awkward squabble to die, can you?