Parents, got a child’s birthday coming up? It’s a girl? She wants a dolly? Why, a crazy little American lady has the perfect gift.
We foresaw many merchandising opportunities for Susan Boyle. The pattern from her audition dress coming to dominate the Indian restaurant wallpaper market, for example. Fancy dress parties everywhere flooded with blokes wearing hilarious stick-on eyebrows, curly wigs and big, foam-rubber forearms. Like Popeye‘s.
And a range of failsafe condoms, which would have a photo of Susan Boyle on the wrapper.
“Boyfriend got a boner? One peek and it’s a goner”.
Oh come on, it works when written down, alright?
But what we didn’t see coming was some whackjob American woman sitting in her house made from logs and crafting Susan frigging Boyle dolls. OUT OF PEGS, WIRE AND CLAY.
Really, since when was it the public’s job to write our stories for us?
Okay, we all know the story by now. An escapee from a lab which was, for some crazed scientific reason, breeding squirrels with orangutans, makes a wrong turn in its run from the boffins and ends up loping onto the Britain’s Got Talent stage. Turns out the experimental hybrid (Susan Boyle, looking like a great big pile of leaves with a pubic wig perched on top) can actually sing.
Cue Simon Cowell jizzing in his high-waisted pants, Amanda Holden‘s sexdoll-like face registering a plastic approximation of amazement, Piers Morgan‘s jaws flapping around like a pair of castanets in the hands of a mid-seizure epileptic, and the entire Youtube-infested world saying, ‘Oh, so sweet. Look, it thinks it’s a real person.’
Next thing you know, the experimental lifeform is turning down invitations from Presidents.
And now, the ultimate accolade: a Debbie Ritter figurine. Which sounds quite classy, except that Debbie Ritter is a mother of four from Illionois. And the word ‘figurine’ could be replaced by ‘terrifying little voodoo doll based on a window-display mannequin in an old ladies’ clothes shop from 1978′.
Oh, Debbie Ritter, you undoubtedly well-meaning but ultimately in-need-of-a-nationalised-system-of-mental-healthcare little lady, you. Give us a horseshit-crazy quote describing your Boyle-love, would ya?
“I have watched her video on Youtube literally one thousand times.”
Debbie Ritter does not use the word ‘literally’ without damn good reason. Continue, please.
“I love the fact she is so down to earth and there is nothing fake about her. She’s a simple woman, but I mean that in a very good way.”
Debbie, we hate to be picky, but… oh, this is slightly awkward. If you love and respect the lady so much, why in God’s name are you making little dolls that look like someone’s asked a blind man with Parkinson’s to glue together a smashed up pottery model of Queen Victoria?
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow…I cannot believe how rude you are. Truly, it shocks me that a person can be so uncompassionate, discourteos and so narrow-minded. I’m not quite sure why you are so hellish and feel the need to attack people you’ve never met before, but frankly its given me a bad taste in my mouth about your website and I’m going to continue browsing the web with this idea in my head that your website is slanderous, uncoth, and not someplace I want to be. Thank you for turning me off to your website so fast, I didnt waste as much time as I thought.
I have to agree with Jordan, you ARE an overall horrible person. You attack a person who, yes, is homely, but who’s only dream was to preform in front of a large audience. A person who has probably been called every name in the book from her youth by people like you who think that there is nothing wrong with saying such things. It is empowering to see a woman who because of her physical aspects is so looked over and picked on, get up on stage with confidence and sing better live than most famous artist. I hope that you learn to be more accepting, because physical appearance is not everything. I wish Susan the best and hope that she achieves her dreams, I also hope your website suffers because of your horrible remarks.
At least Suart does a good job of weeding out those that do not have a sense of humour!
It’s evident that you are the one with a sick mind, you evidently have nothing better to do than to say cruel and hateful things about someone you have no clue about…That shows clearly YOU are the one who has a problem, not someone else!!! I pity you!
This website is not worth wasting a turd on.
I have read this garbage you wrote and altho I find it deeply offensive, I find myself wondering what is hidden behind your words?
You know, jealousy is a nasty thing and can bite you in the ass very nasty if you are not careful. You wrote to attack this lady, but why? Is it because you consider yourself ‘good looking and can sing’? When in fact you are probebly some sad git with no mates and envious of someone else’s good fortune. Grow up and get a life, you will find a happiness…somewhere?
Mum, will you stop bothering me at work, please?