Look into Sarah Palin’s eyes. What do you see? Your own reflection probably, because she wears glasses. However, hoik those specs clean off her head and you’ll see a faint glimpse of life in those cold, dead eyes.
That’s because Palin is a cold-blooded killer. Now, we’re not suggesting that Palin went postal over the weekend, opening fire on a mall full of people, but rather, she likes killing animals despite the fact she has enough money in the bank to, y’know, buy food from a shop.
Alas, Sarah Palin wants to win the hearts and minds of Americans by showcasing her feral side, which could well mean that we’ll see her dragging herself along some grass on her posterior or marking her territory by pissing on as many trees as possible.
In her ‘reality’ show, Palin has decided that it is perfectly okay for her to prowl around the countryside of Alaska with a great big fuck-off gun and shoot lead into the bloodstream of caribou who were minding their own business, crapping on hillsides and endlessly chewing things over and over again.
While out hunting with her father, the Palins yelled that things were getting desperate. They were down to ?five packages of moose and three of caribou? meat! WHAT TO DO?! Go to the shop and buy some more meat? Take a trip to the drive-thru for a burger or two?
No. That’s a stupid idea. Why not go and kill some pesky varmints?
Says Palin, pretending that she isn’t an incredibly wealthy woman:
?That rifle in your hand can mean food on your table.?
Jesus wept. She’ll be posing with artillery in her bikini next, sporting a hat made out of a wolf’s face. There’s Tea Baggers out there who have probably seen this image already, when they furiously jerk off with shame in the dead of night.
Naturally, it is Palin’s ability to kill animals who can’t shoot back (that’s not to say they weren’t offered guns, but rather, they don’t have the required digits at the end of their legs to pull a trigger. That’s why Americans don’t hunt monkeys) that gives her an innate belief in herself.
?This is what has given me a desire to be tough and independent.?
What about her daughter though? She was all independent when she went off and had sex with someone out of wedlock. Did Sarah whip out a metaphorical shotgun so Bristol got married, in an attempt to keep her presidential hopes on the rails?
Seeing as Palin is in the opposition, she could well be looking at her prancing offspring as the reason for her failure… as opposed to a frankly baffling approach to the English language and a gaspingly dreadful grasp of foreign affairs. As such, Sarah Palin has been accused of forcing Bristol to do Dancing With the Stars because she owed momma one.
That’s what Margaret Cho is saying any way.
“Sarah supposedly blames Bristol harshly and openly?for not winning the election, and so she told Bristol she ‘owed’ it to her to do DWTS so that ‘America would fall in love with her again’ and make it possible for Sarah Palin to run in 2012…”
And what does Bristol have to say on the matter?
“I will give my friend credit for creativity, and extra points for getting so many ‘facts’ wrong in so few sentences.”
She could be talking about her own mother there, couldn’t she? Still, at least the Palin’s are all really good aims with a rifle. That’s a skill that everyone needs in this world don’t they?
If you’re mental.