Few of us can imagine the horror of not being injured in a laughably minor car crash with a 20mph drunkard, but Sandra Bullock is obviously special.
And although Sandra Bullock probably still has trouble sleeping after Saturday night’s accident, because every time she closes her eyes she’s presented with the terrifying vision of a tipsy lady manoeuvring her car towards her very slowly indeed, she’s not letting the shunt affect her work schedule. Truly the woman deserves a medal.
Sandra Bullock has refused to let her 20mph not-really death-smash get in the way of her new movie The Proposal, a warning if there ever was one that not even irresponsible drivers can stop Sandra Bullock from making identical romantic comedies that you can accurately guess the ending to just by reading their titles. Better luck next time, dangerous boozehounds.
If we were Sandra Bullock then a) we’d have locked ourselves in the cellar after the release of Practical Magic and hidden there until we’d been promised that all copies of it had been destroyed, and b) we’d probably investigate local public transport routes a little more thoroughly.
Cars, you see, are a massive problem for Sandra Bullock. If she steps outside her house then a crazy stalker will try to run her husband over in one, and if she actually ever gets to drive one then that’s a recipe for disaster as well.
As you probably know, on Saturday night Sandra Bullock got into a car accident with a drunk woman who almost killed everyone by gently bumping into the side of Sandra Bullock’s car at 20mph.
We can’t help thinking that in many ways Sandra Bullock was asking for it, you know – films of hers include Crash and Speed, and if that isn’t a direct challenge to destiny, then we don’t know what is. Similarly, in the future Sandra Bullock should also be careful of lake houses, nets, demolition men and ya-ya sisterhoods, because they’re all probably out to get her as well.
But that’s beside the point – Sandra Bullock was in quite a lame car crash, but it won’t halt the filming of her new movie The Proposal, according to The Boston Herald:
Producers haven’t hit the brakes on shooting Sandra Bullock’s upcoming comedy “The Proposal” despite the actress’ frightening head-on “Crash” Saturday night in Gloucester with an alleged drunken driver. “She hasn’t been hurt so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t (continue filming),” the flick’s flack, Scott Levine, told the Track yesterday.
We think we speak for everyone here when we say thank heavens for that. It’s been far too long since a girl has guilted us into watching a piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy that’s nothing more than a cynical retread of the last piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy at the cinema.
Oh, how we’ve missed paying eight pounds to sit on a sticky cinema seat for a couple of hours watching an oddly-nosed woman grinding through the motions of a role she’s already played about 75 times in the past while we get more and more annoyed because we’ve realised that we could have spent those two hours doing something more productive like helping out in the local community, bettering ourselves through classical literature or staring listlessly at a single patch of carpet and scratching our balls.
So thank heavens. And thank you, alleged drunk driver, for not driving any faster than you did. But most of all, thank you Sandra Bullock for not even getting a tiny bit of bloody whiplash in your stupid neck or anything.
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Kristen says
Stuart Heritage, may I suggest that you cut down on your medication? You are very critical and dowright mean at times. While reading the article, I was more focusing on your hostile comments than what you had to say. Shame on you.
euclid says
Kristen, this is what Stuart writes like when he STOPS taking his meds,
not because of them. Cutting down will make it worse. Also, who
would’ve thought that a site named Heclerspray could be mean?
I sure didn’t see that coming…
gir says
I always thought Stuart Heritage’s hostile comments WERE what he had to say. Kind of thought that was the point, really.
David says
I, too, was paying more attention to your hostile comments and I must say: fantastic work.
Paul Sorrenti says
to be honest stu i think the article is very sensationalist
Charles Bishop says
I rather enjoy most of the movies that Sandra Bullock’s been in. She such a sweet, intelligent, and very beautiful person and I would happily spend 2 more hours of my life watching another one of her films. I really like this actress.
BTW your article is SO cynical! Go take a stress tab and chill out.
You Are Rude says
Obviously you are not a fan of the chick flick. It almost seems as if you have some personal reason for hating Sandra Bullock, who not only seems like a very nice person, but who I find to be a delightful actress. So what if her movies are not extremely artsy, or contain some thought-provoking message about the current state of the world. Her movies are nice and entertaining, if taken for what they are meant to be. A feel-good escape from reality, meant to have you leaving the theater with a smile on your face, and a little lighter spirit. If her movies are not for you, don’t watch them and stop being so rude!
Boerain says
What a jerk, you shouldn’t be allowed to write.
Gortons of Gloucester fisherman says
that was wicked funny Stuart-send me whatever meds you’re allegedly on. Bout time somebody just called the “situation” for what it was, a hilarious slo mo fender bender with a drunken townie. Everyone in that dinky town was thrilled to be at the scene and part of the action.
Don Hays says
Dude get a grip, or a life, do some thing that you enjoy, life is short to be this unhappy
euclid says
Wow, my retardometer’s needle completely snapped off!
A few more of these Herr Dr. Stuitage and you’ll be dining on gold pheasant.
munch says
cant belive u call urself a jurnalist!!!!!1111
Mithaearon says
what the hell is a jurnalist?
I still love that fact that the not very intelligent people don’t get the tone of the article despite the site is called hecklerspray.
Also, I never know Sandra Bullock had so many fans. I just thought it was that dodgy looking wino that sits on the bench at the end of my road, mumbling to himself.
munch says
Mithaearon- I was just taking the piss out of the dumb-asses who come on here and complain about shoddy journalism, bias and crap like that, not being able to recognize satire.
However, I take it as a compliment that my comment passed as that of a true crazy fanatic’s. My life is now complete.
Stabby McGee says
Mith, check your meta-sarcasm detector bud.
What’s with all this referring to the writer by their full name? Sounds like an attack of the finger-wagging grandmas to me!
Mithaearon says
stab, changed the batterys in my sarcasm detector all working now :D sorry munchy :D
munch says
Not a problem Mithaearon, or should I say ‘nt a prblm lolzz’?
Gilbert Wham says
I’m scared of Charles Bishop. I think if he got poor, vulnerable girl-next-door Sandra on her own, he’d happily spend two hours pleasuring himself with her dead mouth. That’s what I think.
Charles Bishop says
No, I would spend the time talking that poor woman’s head off, and then I would get all of my friends and make her pose for a photo with each and every last one of us, and then I would give her candy and call her the light. Sandra Bullock is awesome, and she’s married so I wouldn’t even think about trying to have sex with her. Why would you say something like that Gilbert?
Gilbert Wham says
Because, quite frankly, your fervent regard for Ms. Bullock scares me. And I firmly believe you to be a necrophile stalker, that’s why. Talking her head off? Really? Not ‘taking’? No? Not even a little bit? Now, I would think about having sex with her, but not after killing her first. Like you would.
Charles Bishop says
[quote]
Gilbert Wham Says:
April 25th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Because, quite frankly, your fervent regard for Ms. Bullock scares me. And I firmly believe you to be a necrophile stalker, that’s why. Talking her head off? Really? Not ‘taking’? No? Not even a little bit? Now, I would think about having sex with her, but not after killing her first. Like you would.
[end quote]
You are making no sense at all. My admiration for Sandra Bullock is simple in itself. Stop trying to transform my liking of her into something sick. She’s a good actress, and I like her. it is as simple as that.