When Kate Winslet split up from her husband, everyone was all like “Ha ha! It’s the curse of the Oscars!”
And then they were all like “Ha ha! Watch out Sandra Bullock!” Which was funny, because Sandra Bullock appeared to have one of the strongest marriages in Hollywood. Except now it turns out that maybe that wasn’t the case – it’s being reported that her heavily-tattooed husband Jesse James allegedly had an 11-month affair with a tattoo model named Michelle ?Bombshell? McGee.
We don’t know what caused Jesse James to allegedly stray from Sandra Bullock like this, but maybe it’s because he found her to be too emotionally cold. Jesse, you idiot, she isn’t emotionally cold! She just can’t move her face very much because of all the surgery she’s had on it! Jesus, men are such pigs!
Right everyone, it’s time to take this curse of the Oscars thing seriously. Only this week did Best Actress Oscar-winner Kate Winslet split up with her husband, following in the footsteps of every other Best Actress winner from Hillary Swank to Reese Witherspoon. And now it looks as if Sandra Bullock, who only won the Best Actress Oscar about three seconds ago, could be next. You see, it’s been reported that Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James enjoyed an 11-month affair with a tattoo model.
If it’s true, then Jesse James should be ashamed. Sandra Bullock has been there to help him through all the hardest periods of his life – like when that stalker tried to run him over, and when he lost his dog, and when Sandra Bullock became so much more rich and powerful than him that his may as well have just snipped his testicles off with a set of nail scissors and slung them into the sea – and this is how he repays her? For shame.
The woman who Jesse James is alleged to have cheated on Sandra Bullock with is Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. What does she have in common with Jesse James? They’re both covered from head to toe in tattoos, that’s what. And that itself is obviously quite a turn-on. Imagine you’re having sex with Sandra Bullock – you’ve only really got her pretty face, her glorious body and her nice hair to look at. Boring!
Now imagine that you’re having sex with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. You could pass the time by looking at the great big fish with eyelashes that’s swimming down her arm, or the giant keyhole on her chest, or you could try to work out the phrase that’s been tattooed across her forehead – is it ‘Prayers For Sinners’? ‘Playing For Scanners?’ ‘Ploughing For Spanners’? – which is obviously much more fun. Anyway, Michelle Bombshell McGee has detailed the alleged affair in In Touch magazine. MSNBC has details:
According an interview McGee gave In Touch Weekly, the whole affair began after she sent James a social-media friend request, hoping to be on his television show, and things escalated to the point where they had ?intimate relations.?? She went on to tell the magazine that she and James had sex ?two or three times? the night they met and from there a ?serious relationship? began.
While this news must obviously be devastating for Sandra Bullock, it’s worse for people who like good acting. This curse of the Oscars thing has got so serious that there won’t be an actress in the land who’ll want to risk giving a good performance in case it jeopardises their marriage.
Dame Helen Mirren, scared that another Oscar might make her husband run away, will redub her performance in The Tempest so that Prospera shouts everything in an inexplicably high-pitched Jamaican accent. Keira Knightley will fart as powerfully as possible after every fifth sentence in Never Let Me Go. And Meryl Streep, obviously, will sign up for Nazi Zombie Brain-Eaters From Mars 3 at the first possible opportunity. We hope you’re happy, Jesse James. We hope you’re really happy.
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