Since her spectacular marital disintegration, Sandra Bullock has longed for one thing above all else.
A load of tattoos. Oh, and somebody to love. Somebody who’ll love Sandra Bullock no matter what. Someone who’ll never throw on a Nazi hat and have 11 months of illicit sex with a woman who’s got a selection of bland Little Book Of Calm platitudes permanently inked across her forehead. Somebody who’ll appreciate her. Someone who will never let her down. Someone who she can smother and mollycoddle and fuss over in a generally overcompensatory way, even though at times it’ll make them fantasise about running away because they feel as if they’re trapped in an emotional straitjacket.
So we should say hello to little Louis Bullock, a baby from New Orleans who Sandra Bullock has adopted as her very own. From now on, he’s all the man she’ll ever need. Wait, that sounded disgusting.
History has shown time and time again that if your marriage is failing, the last thing you should do is try to paper over the cracks with a baby. Rather than give you a new focus to share, it’ll only deepen the resentment between you and hasten the inevitable split – and you’ll have buggered up the life of a baby in the process. Nice work, idiots.
However, this isn’t really applicable to Sandra Bullock. She may have just adopted a little boy from New Orleans, but she didn’t do it to try and save her marriage. She did it to try and replace her marriage, which is obviously completely different so shut up.
Yes, while Jesse James was in sex rehab trying to cure his crippling addiction to having bizarre Nazi-tinged sex marathons with women so oppressively tattooed that they may as well have just wallpapered their entire bodies, Sandra Bullock was out doing something constructive – adopting a baby. People reports:
His name is Louis, and he is her newborn son. “He’s just perfect, I can’t even describe him any other way,” Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3?-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. “It’s like he’s always been a part of our lives.”
Now we’re being a little disingenuous here. Sandra Bullock didn’t split up from Jesse James, rush to the nearest possible adoption centre, grab the first child she saw and scream “YOU’RE MY HUSBAND NOW! YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE ME, WILL YOU? NEVER NEVER NEVER!” right into its face. In fact she’d apparently been planning the adoption with Jesse James for four years, took care of Louis in January and had the adoption papers changed to make her his sole guardian after the split.
But we can still pretend that at one point or another, Sandra Bullock screamed “YOU’RE MY HUSBAND NOW!” into his face. It’s just funnier this way, OK?
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Tatia says
I’m so happy that Sandra adopted an American baby. This lil guy looks like he’s destined to be a football player. Good thing she made that movie!
Sandy says
No — it’s way funnier thinking of Jesse as a sad substitute for a baby. (Lord knows, men often act like they’re babies.)
james says
I think Sandra has serious issues and I’m unsure if she is of sound mind. I wish her all the best but running off and adopting a child should not be taken lightly. She is so lost…
Kitsune says
I will direct you to this part of the post. Apparently you did not read the article.
“she
Anonymous says
This makes me sick. Fucking disgusting race traitor.