Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.
The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.
It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.
Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.
It’s alcohol – obviously.
Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse James (a celebrity in his own right but, as you’ll no doubt understand, not quite worthy of a mention in the headline), being driven by 55-year-old Mark Hussey (not a chance) were hit by a drunk driver in Gloucester, Mass., on Friday evening.
According to People, the driver of the offending vehicle has been identified by local cops as Lucille P. Gatchell, a 64-year-old from Gloucester.
Police said Lucille’s gray Subaru station wagon jumped lanes on East Main Street and crashed into the front end of their private car but, staying true to the celebrity-car-crash form-guide, not a sausage was injured.
Luckily, Hussey had been driving at just 20 mph at the time. And we all know what would have happened if they’d been traveling at double that speed!
(Now, at this point, we have the choice of two comedy avenues to skip down; the first being a reference to that girl in the ‘if you hit me at 40 mph I’ll get mangled by a tree, but if you hit me at 30mph I’ll just piss myself a little’ adverts. And second, of course, is the ‘it would trigger a bomb that Dennis Hopper will explode if you go under a certain speed’ avenue)
(Both have their merits, but have been done and redone over the last 24 hours by publications less reputable than this, and we can’t be seen – at least – to be delving to their level. So rather than wasting your time, we’ll just leave you with the following dilemma, before hurriedly moving on: If you were driving the Speed bus and that girl from the advert walked in the road, would you leave her wetting herself, or holding up that tree? It may happen one day.)
The real star of this whole shebang, however, is, without a shadow of a doubt, Gloucester Police Lt. Gerry Cook, who commented:
“It’s unfortunate, but it shows you that no one is immune from drunk drivers, no matter how famous you are.”
Now that man does deserve a mention in the headline! Finally someone is brave enough to stand up to the brainwashed masses who believe celebrities harbour special powers making it impossible for drunk drivers to collide with them.
You idiots! Wake up and smell the reality!
Lt. Cook continued:
“They were shaken up, needless to say, But they were fine – he was hugging her. Jess and Sandra were hugging. They said they were fine, they didn’t need medical attention. There were quite a few people snapping pictures of them…”
Lucille P. Gatchell was given a field sobriety test by officers. She blew a .20 on the breathalyzer (two and a half times the legal limit). She was arrested and booked for driving under the influence of alcohol and failure to stay in marked lanes.
She was later released on her own recognizance (recognizance: n. an obligation of record that is entered into before a court or magistrate, containing a condition to perform a particular act, such as making a court appearance) and shall be arraigned (arraigned: tr.v. to call [an accused person] before a court to answer the charge made against him or her by indictment, information, or complaint) on the charges this (this: pron. used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned) coming Tuesday.
Read More – Sandra Bullock, Husband Hit By Drunk Driver – People
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
Killed to death? You are exceptionally stupid are’nt you?
Never heard of anybody ever killed to less than death, I need to get out more apparently.
“Almost Killed To Death”? Typical of the poor writing in this rag. Why not raise the bar and only use writers who actually graduated from elementary school?
Almost killed to death?
I couldn’t bring myself to read your article but I certainly had to comment on your writing skills. Not good.
Epic Fail.
Mike beat me to it. Killed To Death?
*sigh*
I was thinking the same thing. Not that I even read this website, but when it pops up in Google News, it does kind of “stand out” among he professional columns.
“Killed to death”, or sometimes “moidered (sic) to death” has a old and noble lineage dating back to at least the old dance hall comics.
Vernacular, chaps!
cheers
I almost laughed myself to death reading your ridiculous headline.
The level of journalism stupidity and lame humor presented here by this jackass idiot writer is a real concern as to why are these fools are not even required to have a HS degree.
almost killed ‘to death’…how else would you be killed…shouldn’t the period in that sentence be after ‘killed’? However we are glad she wasn’t run over….
Makes me wonder just how many other websites are run by 12-year-olds…
Sadly headlines like this get hits, therefore the evolution of blogging will further encourage people to write foolish headlines for clicks. Use poor english to get hits, maybe I should try that….I can’t think of a headline, doomed by proper use of our language. Damn education.
Let us not forget the driver who was intoxicated to drunkeness….
Almost “killed to death” but they were “shaken up…but fine”? And the offender was release?! Sounds like a fender bender rather than killed to death……forever!!!
As Mike observed earlier, I’ve heard of “bored to death,” and “thrilled to death,” but my 6th grade English teacher would have been all over anyone in my class who said “killed to death.” Its usage is “redundant and repetitious.”
Give the author a break “killed to death” is a valid, if broad term. No different than “mauled to death,” “stabbed to death,” “choked to death,” etc. It would have been more appropriate to use “crashed to death” in my opinion because of her role in Crash, thus having a clever pun title that would have still been valid.
Paul Sorrenti,
This is one of the worst written articles I have ever seen! Next time try to just deliver the news and not be an annoying smart ass. Also how can you say “Almost Killed To Death By Drugged-Up Driver†the vehicle who collided with their car was going 20mph and both Sandra and Jessie were unhurt. As a writer it’s not your job to exaggerate, but just to deliver the news as it is without your two cents.
Honestly people – “killed to death” – it’s a joke. Surely y’all can appreciate the epic webnewsy hyperbole?
Killed to death as opposed to…killed to life? Idiot.
wow…worst writing i have ever seen. i read 100 articles or more a day…so that ‘s pretty impressive. did you finish high school?
I saw the headline on Google News, and wondered what kind of ignorant wretch would write something like that. Now I know. Good bye.
Pretty sure “Killed to Death” is joke. If the dingaling who commented on the poor writing without actually reading the article, di read the article, he would have noticed the humor. Maybe. How smart is a person who says “I didn’t read your article but I wanted to comment on your writing”? That is an even bigger impossibilification than being killed to death. I mean, you can be killed to death but you can’t comment on writing that you have not read. Twit.
you dummy, go back to school.. an get off the crack pipe!!! then pick up a pencil an write.
WHILE THE SPELLING POLICE ARE HAVING A FIELD DAY WITH “KILLED TO DEATH’
I TAKE ISSUE WITH ONE-TIME HEART THROB COMMENT.
SHE IS STILL ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AROUND
I could not get beyond the headline! I can’t wait until Jay Leno gets a hold of this one for his Monday night ‘Headlines’ routine!
I’ll add my pity to the list. “Killed to Death” belongs on The Onion. I laughed a lot at hecklerspray’s expense…
Amazing. I saw the headline and thought this is gonna’ be funny. I thought maybe it was a typo of some sort. However, after trying to read this article, I realized that some people should not be allowed to write and post things on the internet. Just amazing.
“killed to death”, sigh. What’s next – wake up dead?
Just read some of the other article titles on this site. This site is driven by mentally disabled people. From that perspective, it’s a great site!
I’ll ammend my last comment – after reading the entry again, it there is a clear satire in it. Too bad it is so unexpected to readers (and thus provokes the criticism cataloged above). This article on The Onion, I’ll repeat, would have gotten good laughs.
no…i read the whole article. only to laugh at it. the writing really is horrible. if that is supposed to be humor, i failed to grasp it. the only thing funny about this piece, is that it actually made it on-line.
Saw the headline on google and thought this has to be a mistake. I was wrong- Ididn’t even finish the article. Badly written and unfunny.
“Sandra Bullock Almost Killed To Death By Drugged-Up Driver”????????????
Now, That’s a classic, textbook example of an oxymoron – it caught my attention right off the bat!
As a writer myself, I would suggest that you not quit your day job.
GEO
What about Mick Jagger’s “I can’t get no, satisfaction” That’s incorrect grammar. Oh right that’s entertainment and this is “News” and “Journalism”. Really important stuff like like a bad actor and her boyfriend in a traffic accident. Are you people really worried about the quality of reporting on a subject like this? Really?! This is entertainment not news. To hell with the New York Times or the Atlantic Monthly. I’m gonna get all my news from Hecklerspray. Good god what’s wrong with you…
When will the “Killed to Death” T-shirts be available?
People criticizing this article written obviously as a satire probably count on Saturday Night Live as their legitimate news source.
Don’t you check the sources of links before you click them, people? IT’S HECKLERSPRAY!
Bravo on the sarcasm, by the way.
“…Killed to Death…?” Please go back to school and learn English before becoming a reporter/blogger.
Good Grief!
It was supposed to be a funny spin on a possibly tragic event, which while in poor taste, is the format of HecklerSpray. The name says it all. Sheesh!
who’s more pathetic in this case? the writer, or the people defending him?
are all of the above comments (minus some) written by the same idiotic person, totally devoid of humour?
james, go suck on another lemon.
omg how thick are some people. retards
“Killed to death”. . .or “Murder by Death” I believe the film title was way, way back in the 80s. . . .hecklerspray will be accused of plagerism next. Who are these idiots that read the words, focus on the play on words and then show their ignorance and arrogance and totally miss the point. Elvis loves you Paul. . . never forget that.
Remember the film Murder by Death. . .no one commented on the writing of that title. People back in the 70s or 80s understood the humour and play on words. It’s supposed to be funny!
Jesus H. Christ on a rusty bike.
These comments make me want to shoot myself
in the head to death. A US Government study
concluded that around 80% of the American populace
is literate. (One of the lowest rates in a ‘developed’
nation worldwide.) Literacy, in this case, was determined
by the ability to read menus and traffic signs. If you
take it to the level of perceiving irony in text, it is easy to
imagine the USA having a 3-4% literacy rate.
Hence the above.
Special mention to George Glasser, the writer who only
manages to be half an oxymoron.
(Guess which half, George. Your writing is crap.)
a bunch of retards who can’t comperhend humor…. No doubt, you’re all likely American too
I didn’t read all this but I am in the process.
And let me tell you that I am convinced it will be amazing. Absolutely inspirational.
ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod
ic ant breathe
i would like to write an heckler spray article about what fucking morons the people who comment on heckler spray articles are
unfortunately they are all even less famous than jesse james
maybe the comments criticizing the grammar are also sarcastic comments… maybe…
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