Now that Daniel Craig has been James Bond for a while, we all know what we can expect from his films.

Punching. And grunting. And silly blue knickers. And no invisible cars. And up to two scenes where James Bond looks a bit sad and a foreign woman babbles on incoherently about how his mind is like a prison, to show that he’s all sensitive and modern and whatever. And no fun. That last one’s very important. There must be no fun whatsoever.

So good news, fun-haters! The director of Bond 23 has been announced as Sam Mendes who, so far in his career, has made a film about the horrors of war, a film about the horrors of organised crime, a film about the horrors of gory abortions and a film about a plastic bag sort of flapping around in the air for a while. Hooray! This new James Bond film is going to be no fun at all!

It’s such a good idea to get Sam Mendes to direct Bond 23. After all, getting a well-respected arthouse director with no experience of action movies to take on something as expensive and formulaic as a James Bond film is genius. Just think – all those trademark Bond fight scenes interspersed with moments of genuinely challenging cerebral drama. It’s nothing short of a masterstroke.

Or at least it was nothing short of a masterstroke back in 2008 when the bloke who did The Kite Runner was roped in to make Quantum Of Solace. But then look how that turned out – the action scenes were clumsy and the quiet moments of cerebral drama largely consisted of James Bond sitting in a cave and frowning for about four seconds. Oh, and the baddie screamed like a girl. Oh, and the theme-tune was stupid. Oh, and James Bond actually wore a cardigan at one point.

God, Quantum Of Solace was crap, wasn’t it?

But the new Bond film will be different, because Sam Mendes is doing it. And he’s good at everything. He’s made the best-ever directionless film about Jake Gyllenhaal looking sad in a metal helmet. He’s made the best-ever directionless film about some beardy hippies driving about and mumbling to each other. He’s made the best-ever film about Kate Winslet getting the world’s most harrowing abortion. And he’s made the best-ever film about a plastic bag sort of flapping around in the air for a while. We can smell the box office success from here.

So what will Sam Mendes do with Bond 23? Here are the three most likely outcomes:

1 - Sam Mendes will quickly find all of his big dramatic ideas being trampled on by producers, who basically just want a hacky, generic Bond film despite the big-name director. The end result will contain action scenes that aren’t very actiony, dramatic scenes that aren’t very dramatic and James Bond will somehow end up in another bloody cardigan.

2 - James Bond will be a sad suburban father looking for the meaning of his own existence. The film will show him mournfully staring off into the middle distance for no reason whatsoever, strolling around in the world’s most melancholy pair of swimming trunks and fighting his arch nemesis – the plastic bag that sort of flaps about in the air for a while.

3 - James Bond will be a charming, quick-witted playboy cad who flies around the world getting drunk and shagging supermodels in a selection of nice suits. He’ll drive a car that shoots missiles out of its headlights, kill foreigners with a vast array of ridiculous gadgets and generally look as if he’s having the best time of his sodding life.

That last one isn’t particularly likely to happen, by the way. But it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

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Tagged as: 007, Bond 23, Daniel Craig, james bond, Sam Mendes