These days, there are two ways to get at Salma Hayek’s boobies – one is by being a malnourished African baby.

And the other is by being a billionaire. Chances are you’re neither, so you’ll have to make do without. But French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault won’t, because he apparently got married to Salma Hayek on Valentine’s Day in Paris.

Why did Salma Hayek marry Francois-Henri Pinault? Was it to see if even Salma Hayek’s husband will get bored of looking at the same pair of breasts day after day, or was it because HE’S A BLOODY BILLIONAIRE? Oh, let’s just say both.

Valentine’s Day, huh? Some spend it weeping alone, others spend it resenting the fact that if they don’t go out and buy a present to mark it they’ll be spending the next fortnight in the doghouse, and others like to spend it brawling in the street like a couple of actual prostitutes.

But not Salma Hayek. She’s got more class than that. Salma Hayek is an old-school movie star, and she’s always sure to present herself as such. Unless there’s a little African baby around, obviously, because then she’ll just plug her tit into its gob faster than you can say Jack Robinson and keep it there until it’s all swollen up like a massive tick bite.

Anyway, as an old-school movie star, Salma Hayek realised that she had to make Valentine’s Day as romantic as possible this year. So she did, by getting married. In Paris. To a billionaire. AP reports:

Salma Hayek has picked a romance-lover’s ideal time and place for her wedding: Valentine’s Day in Paris. An official at the City Hall in Paris’ 6th arrondissement says the Mexican-born actress wed French magnate Francois-Henri Pinault in a civil ceremony there Saturday. The official was speaking on condition of anonymity, in accordance with policy.

How utterly romantic. Details of the Salma Hayek/ Francois-Henri Pinault wedding are thin on the ground, but from what we understand it was a very traditional service. Salma Hayek wore white just in case she saw any African babies laying around and started lactating uncontrollably, the couple sliced the cake by fashioning one of Salma Hayek’s breast into a rudimentary water jet cutter, and instead of confetti everyone just squirted Salma and Francois-Henri with litre upon litre of tit-juice.

Honestly, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Although that admittedly has got more to do with all the rampant lactation than any expressions of genuine emotion. Just so you all know.

And where Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault go from here is anybody’s guess. A honeymoon will presumably follow, although nobody knows where it’ll take place. Given that Pinault is a billionaire, we’d imagine that it’d be in his hollowed-out volcano that occasionally doubles as his secret laboratory of evil from which he plans to destroy the world. But that’s just a guess.

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