One of America’s cutsiest couples, Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough, has ended their relationship. While this news isn’t as tragic as it might have been if anyone had ever believed that they were an actual couple to begin with, the timing couldn’t be worse.
The entertainment world is in a gloomy place right now: both Lil’ Wayne and Morrissey are feeling poorly, something bad is going on with Miley and Liam, and Curtis Finch Jr. was booted from American Idol. The last thing we need right now is more heartache.
Reports from various news outlets indicate that Ryan and Julianne’s break-up is the result of hectic and competing work schedules. Looking at it with fresh eyes though, there was clearly more to it than that.
Ryan and Julianne began dating in 2010, with Julianne reportedly ending a serious long-term relationship after falling for Ryan. And who can blame her for being completely captivated by a man of Ryan’s stature (professional stature, not height obviously). Not only is Ryan the host of American Idol, one of the most painful, over-hyped shows on television, but he is also responsible for introducing the world to the horror of the Kardashians. He may be only 4 foot 10 and incredibly gay, but how sexy is that?
Over the last two years, Ryan and Julianne seemed to spend most of their time together cuddling, paddle boarding, and dazzling the world with their (matching) cartoonishly brilliant smiles. To the unsuspecting observer, they seemed to be the absolute image of romantic bliss. In February’s Cosmo, Julianne described how they spend their private time.
“When we’re alone, we really focus in on going to dinners and being extra-romantic and affectionate and just being there for each other.”
Unfortunately, behind-the-scenes, the reality wasn’t quite so idyllic. Drugs! Orgies! Organized crime! Just look at those two seedy characters! (Not truly … it’s hard to imagine a more white-bread, wholesome-looking pair.)
I suspect the end of their relationship came last week, when it was reported that $100,000 worth of jewelry was stolen from Julianne’s unlocked car. Jewelry that had been given to her by Ryan. Insured or not, what kind of airhead leaves $100,000 worth of jewelry in an unlocked car? So maybe that was the straw that broke little Ryan’s back. Maybe he was tired of having a dipshit for a girlfriend.
Or maybe he was so furious about it that he beat her up! He does seem the type, doesn’t he? (Actually, no, not at all.) OR maybe Ryan was already planning the split (probably because Julianne did something awful) so he pre-emptively hired someone to lift the jewelry from her car and make it appear to be a random theft so he could get the stuff back before it became post-break-up weird.
So now we have four plausible explanations for Ryan and Julianne’s break-up: Ryan being gay; Julianne being really stupid; Ryan being incredibly abusive; and/or Julianne doing something awful that led Ryan to stage a jewelry theft.
On the bright side, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are back together! And Lil’ Wayne seems to have stabilized. The sun will come out tomorrow.