Russell Crowe Ends Marriage, Becomes Happy Hobo

Russell Crowe, the happy hobo

Breakups are fucking difficult, man. As someone who’s recently (I say recently: it’s been three months, which is still a fairly big percentage of my life, all told) come out of a long-term relationship I know it’s hard. Which is why I’m so happy to see Russell Crowe looking like a happy hobo.

Truth be told, there have been points where I wished that I too could withdraw from society, grow a bitchin’ beard and put on a goofy smile for cameras. After all, when’s a better time than when single to grow facial hair? When you’re in a relationship, women crave the look of a good beard, but then as soon as you get close enough to kiss them they go “ow it scratches”.

Russell Crowe riding a bike

So good on the Gladiator star for choosing to embrace his inner Neanderthal – and he’s looking good for it too. Who wants hunky hearthrob Russell when you can have this 48-year old with more hair on the bottom of his head rather than the top wearing a black hoodie? Crowe is striking a blow for MEN.

Russell Crowe, chillin'

The guy just split from a 9-year relationship with his wife, Danielle Spencer. I can only presume that she too was contrary about facial hair, and Russell, purveyor of dodgy accents, decided that he had enough and gave her the old heave-ho.

It’s a triumph for men everywhere. Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, has said “fuck women, I’m growing a beard and being overjoyed about it.” I’m personally going to follow him into battle. It’ll be like Spartacus or something (am I getting my Roman movies mixed up? Shit).

Anyway, the point is that Russell Crowe is a mediocre actor but a sterling man, and his new facial hair and happy demeanour should be applauded and followed like some sort of cult religion. All hail the Crowe!


  1. cruizin says

    Crowe is anything BUT a mediocre actor. He is an Academy Award nominee (multiple times) and winner. His past less than stellar behavior off screen is likely the reason he hasn’t won more. More of his movies post-Gladiator have received critical acclaim than pans – even if the audience was not there for some of them. The reason for the beard, if you had bothered to check before writing your male bonding diatribe, is for the role of Noah in the film (by the same name) that he is currently filming. Just a few months ago he had a well manicured beard for Les Mis. If you knew about the actor at all you would know that he attempts to morph into the characters he portrays, whether it be weight gain, beards, blonde hair, muscular physique, etc.

  2. MimiB says

    Crowe is a magnificent actor and the bushy beard was required for a film role. Duh. Write snark all you want, it’s your website, but come on… his personal life is just that… personal, and he’s just getting on with his career.

  3. Mohi says

    the man’s acting capabilities have been compared to Marlon Brando and you are saying he’s a mediocre actor ? Someone slap this peasant !