Why are pirates ace? Because they AARRRRGGH! And what do most pirates eat when they’re not at sea? Whopp-ARRRS.

With the Pirates Of The Caribbean series being stupidly successful for Disney, it would only seem appropriate to squeeze out another film to, um, complete the trilogy. However that’s already been arsed up by Orlando Bloom not bothering to return to the seven seas. But fear not, for serial shagger and poor man’s Fonejacker Russell Brand is being lined up to play the brother of Captain Jack Sparrow.

At the current rate, this film will be worth watching for a level of comedy casting not seen since Billy Connolly’s single wide-eyed expression in the latest X-Files movie.

Supposedly, the happy clappy jumpy boy from High School Musical is going to be the son of Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of The Caribbean 4. How the writers will explain a perfectly-groomed and sugarcoated child who has a sex mad uncle in Russell Brand remains to be unseen. Perhaps the DVD extras will show scenes of Brand telling Zac Efron about double penetration and the ATM manoeuvre. Or could he just be a creepy uncle who introduces him to his first can of Kestrel super strength lager.

One of the only reasons we can think of as to why Russell Brand would be suited as a pirate would be down to the fact the movie studios are short of cash for the make-up department and are looking to hire anyone who resembles a scurvy dog. Face it, with long scruffy hair and an ragged beard, he wouldn’t be needing hours of careful wig changes every day, would he.

However, Now magazine seems to have a more rational explanation – apparently it’s all down to the similarities in accent. A source said:

“There’s a lot of Jack Sparrow in his mannerisms and behaviour. Johnny’s accent isn’t a million miles away from Russell’s either.”

The last time we checked, Captain Jack Sparrow didn’t leap around sounding “ooo look at my magic winky” but then again, those moments may be on secret tapes used to blackmail him at future points in time. Whatever mannerisms they may share, we don’t see them. Maybe Captain Jack Sparrow likes to harass aging pirates and leave them offensive scrolls in their ship.

And because we all know and love Russell Brand for making sexual connotations at any event, we predict that he’ll be able to shoehorn something filthy into Pirates Of The Caribbean 4. May we suggest the angry pirate sex act – a process that involves depositing man liquid in to the eye of an lady that acts like a eye patch whilst kicking her in the shin to make her hobble like she has a peg leg.

And just to throw in one more crap pirate-related joke joke – have you heard what the rating for Pirates Of The Caribbean 4 will be? Its going to be AARRRRGGH rated.

A resignation letter is on the editor’s desk for the last gag.