Russell Brand has a strange sense of one-upmanship. His ex-wife Katy Perry launched her career by kissing girls and quite liking it, so Russell has admitted he went one step further by tugging off a guy in a public toilet.
This was all in the name of his career, obviously. The comedian and occasional actor was working on a tv show exploring social taboos, and apparently, another man’s one eyed snake. RE:Brand sounds less like a controversial and thought-provoking documentary series and more like a half-assed attempt at amateur gay porn.
Speaking on comedian Richard Herring’s latest podcast, Brand was completely open about the messy ordeal.
“I wanked off a man in a toilet. I thought, ‘I think of myself as heterosexual but perhaps that’s ‘cause of the environment that I grew up in where homosexuality may have been difficult for me to express.”
You can’t get any plainer than that. Also, would it be possible for the gay community to group together and send him a pamphlet that explains that wanking men off in a toilet isn’t like an initiation ceremony for the sexually confused? Although admittedly this was back in 2002, when Russell’s heroin addiction was in its hey-day. I’m sure he’d never be caught doing anything like that these days.
Want more gory details? No? Then you’re on the wrong website, my friend. This ain’t no Page Six.
“…So we goes to the lavvy – me, him, the director – and…he gets his willy out. And it was not nice. The phallus is…I like mine and you see some others in paintings that look all right but his looked like a rag. I took it betwixt my fingers thusly. It were like massaging a naked mole rat and it wouldn’t go hard! And we’re…in the toilet with the director standing there filming me and he goes, ‘I think…it would be easier if I was able to touch yours’. And I [thought] ‘Fucking hell mate, do us a favour!’ And the director goes: ‘Go on Russell it would be funny…’ So I take down my trousers and pants…and then the bloke sort of mauled at my genitals while I wanked him off. I’m such a sex narcissist that, even though I’m not gay, I still wanted to be good at giving him a wank…after about 27 and 11 minutes, he spat a string of grey jism.”
Still a sexier read than 50 Shades of
Jism Grey. It’s probably got a better chance of making it into cinemas, too. Everyone’s been focusing on Russell and how awful that must have been to do, but let’s have a moment of silence for the poor cameraman who probably never thought to bring baby wipes to work with him.
For your services to gossip, we salute you.