Attention! This is an important health announcement! Have you kissed Harry Potter‘s Rupert Grint recently?
No? Have you inhaled any of Rupert Grint’s sweat? No? Have you splashed around in pools of Rupert Grint’s urine and mucus? If you have, then a) ugh, and b) you’ve probably got swine flu. Rupert Grint has caught swine flu.
Relax – Rupert Grint is better now. At least we assume so – if symptoms include discoloured skin, radioactive-looking hair, a voice that has never broken properly and a permanent look of confusion, then it’s probably best to steer clear of his house for a while.
Right, before we get going let’s put a few things straight here – we know it’s human nature to be disgusted by Rupert Grint for catching swine flu. We know that the natural human reaction is to push him over and shout “FLEAS!” into his face whenever you see him. We know that, if you happen to be a waiter at a restaurant where Rupert Grint dines, you’ll want to cover your nose and mouth with your apron, hold his face down in his food and shout “DIRTY PIG! YOU DIRTY PIG! EAT YOUR DINNER LIKE A PIG, YOU DIRTY PIG!” But you shouldn’t.
Because in a couple of months, we’re all going to have swine flu. They say that there’ll be 100,000 new cases of swine flu a day by next month in the UK alone. You’re going to have swine flu. We’re going to have swine flu. Celebrities are going to have swine flu. No celebrities have got swine flu at the moment, but Rupert Grint caught it recently and – since he’s the one from the Harry Potter films that people seem to like the least – he’s the closest thing we’ve got.
That’s right, Rupert Grint contracted swine flu recently, and he had to take some time off from filming Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows while everything he’s ever loved got burnt to stave off infection, or something. The Chicago Tribune reports:
“It has just been confirmed that Rupert Grint has taken a few days out of filming due to a mild bout of swine flu,” a spokesman for the actor said in a statement. “He has now recovered and is looking forward to joining his fellow cast members at the junket and premieres this week, and he will then return to filming.”
It’s thought that Rupert Grint had to miss some of his most important scenes in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows because of swine flu, like the scene where Harry says something to him and he pulls a funny face, the scene where Hermione says something to him and he pulls a funny face and the heartbreaking scene where Hagrid says something to him and he pulls a funny face, falls over and does a blow off. Dark days indeed.
But, anyway, the fact alone that Rupert Grint has already recovered from swine flu shows that he’s a modern-day Superman and that he should literally be worshipped as a hero with statues and shrines built in his honour up and down the country. Or it shows that it’s just the bloody flu and that people should stop getting their knickers in such a titting twist about it, the silly twats. One or the other, like.