Rupert Grint Gets Swine Flu And Doesn’t Even Die

Rupert Grint, swine flu, Rupert Grint Swine flu, Harry PotterAttention! This is an important health announcement! Have you kissed Harry Potter‘s Rupert Grint recently?

No? Have you inhaled any of Rupert Grint’s sweat? No? Have you splashed around in pools of Rupert Grint’s urine and mucus? If you have, then a) ugh, and b) you’ve probably got swine flu. Rupert Grint has caught swine flu.

Relax – Rupert Grint is better now. At least we assume so – if symptoms include discoloured skin, radioactive-looking hair, a voice that has never broken properly and a permanent look of confusion, then it’s probably best to steer clear of his house for a while.

Right, before we get going let’s put a few things straight here – we know it’s human nature to be disgusted by Rupert Grint for catching swine flu. We know that the natural human reaction is to push him over and shout “FLEAS!” into his face whenever you see him. We know that, if you happen to be a waiter at a restaurant where Rupert Grint dines, you’ll want to cover your nose and mouth with your apron, hold his face down in his food and shout “DIRTY PIG! YOU DIRTY PIG! EAT YOUR DINNER LIKE A PIG, YOU DIRTY PIG!” But you shouldn’t.

Because in a couple of months, we’re all going to have swine flu. They say that there’ll be 100,000 new cases of swine flu a day by next month in the UK alone. You’re going to have swine flu. We’re going to have swine flu. Celebrities are going to have swine flu. No celebrities have got swine flu at the moment, but Rupert Grint caught it recently and – since he’s the one from the Harry Potter films that people seem to like the least – he’s the closest thing we’ve got.

That’s right, Rupert Grint contracted swine flu recently, and he had to take some time off from filming Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows while everything he’s ever loved got burnt to stave off infection, or something. The Chicago Tribune reports:

“It has just been confirmed that Rupert Grint has taken a few days out of filming due to a mild bout of swine flu,” a spokesman for the actor said in a statement. “He has now recovered and is looking forward to joining his fellow cast members at the junket and premieres this week, and he will then return to filming.”

It’s thought that Rupert Grint had to miss some of his most important scenes in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows because of swine flu, like the scene where Harry says something to him and he pulls a funny face, the scene where Hermione says something to him and he pulls a funny face and the heartbreaking scene where Hagrid says something to him and he pulls a funny face, falls over and does a blow off. Dark days indeed.

But, anyway, the fact alone that Rupert Grint has already recovered from swine flu shows that he’s a modern-day Superman and that he should literally be worshipped as a hero with statues and shrines built in his honour up and down the country. Or it shows that it’s just the bloody flu and that people should stop getting their knickers in such a titting twist about it, the silly twats. One or the other, like.

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Comments

  1. Julias says

    Yeah, well, very funny, we all agree Rupert Grint is an ass. However, here in Argentina, there are already 100.000 people who are infected with the swine flu virus and, according to official numbers (meaning, there are a lot more)60 people have died in the past month. Apparently, it is particularly virulent among the otherwise healthy 20 to 50 years old population.
    So, come August or September, you’d better start running and hiding, Stuart Heritage, running and hiding!

  2. melanie says

    stuart, it’s so cute how jealous you are of my crush on rupert grint.
    m!wah!

  3. Sarahq says

    swine flu is NOT particularly virulent amoung the young and healthy. almost every death has been in those with serious underlying medical conditions – meaning this: if you have a heart attack and die and they test you after death for carrying swine flu (even though you had no symptoms and were just a carrier) they put your death in the swine flu column. its hype and priming for vaccine uptake in the fall. Yes come august and september, I will be running for my life from those in white coats with needles.

  4. Dallas says

    Julias –

    >However, here in Argentina, there are already 100.000 people who are infected with the swine flu virus

    The World Health organization (as of this very day) reports 2,485 confirmed cases of H1N1 infection in Argentina, Planet Earth.

    Give my sympathy to the alien inhabitants of your own Argentina on the planet Wazzock, or wherever it is. Isn’t it a funny coincidence that two different planets would nevertheless have a place on them called “Argentina”!

    Cheers,

    D.
    Earthling

  5. Julias says

    Man, this is what you get when you try to spook Stuart Heritage with the swine flu virus. I guess there is some truth in what you say. I don’t trust white coats and their needles either.
    What I do know is that in my province alone, 18 people have already died so far. 12 of these who were not as lucky as Rupert Grint, had prior medical conditions, but the rest didn’t and they were young and healthy, including a couple of pregnant women. It’s pretty harsh, I think.