Being Rumer Willis is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world – there’s that moronic name, for starters.

And the genetic fluke that’s means she looks like a wartime cartoon of Mussolini. And, worst of all, Rumer Willis has to deal with her mother Demi Moore larking around with Ashton Kutcher like a scene from a bad MILF porno.

We don’t feel sorry for Rumer Willis because she has to put up with Ashton Kutcher’s gormless babbling, though – we feel sorry for her because she had a crush on Ashton as a child, and is therefore probably clinically insane.

As countless episodes of The Jeremy Kyle Show have taught us, it’s never easy when a child’s parents divorce. And it’s even less easier when the mother remarries and the child has to deal with a new stepdad. And it’s even worse still when that new stepdad is the annoyingly gonkish one from That Seventies Show who has a bewildering sideline in sub-Beadle hidden camera pranks that he finds a million times more hilarious than anyone else on the planet.

And it’s worst of all when you realise that you used to tongue-kiss a poster of your new stepdad and write the words ‘Rumer Kutcher’ again and again in a diary to see what signature you’d use when you fell in love and got married.

That situation, more or less, is the situation that Rumer Willis – the big-jawed offspring of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore – found herself the first time that Demi Moore brought Ashton Kutcher home. Ick. The Boston Herald reports:

“Ash was a heartthrob, to me. I had pictures of him on my wall at boarding school… But I got over any strangeness because I’d never seen my mom happier. He’s like a friend as well as a stepdad. We talk about everything – auditions, boyfriends, family. He understands more than my parents sometimes because he’s closer to my age.”

That’s actually a very good point – Ashton Kutcher obviously knows more about Rumer Willis’ life because he’s closer to her age. You can’t ask Bruce Willis for advice about boys because he’s too busy concerning himself with how many godawful insurance adverts he can star in, while Demi Moore hasn’t been a 20-year-old-girl for about 400 years and is too busy trying to free a million slaves to understand what Rumer is going through. But Ashton Kutcher? He’ll always understand because he’s closer to Rumer Willis’ age.

In fact, Demi Moore should have just gone the whole hog and married a toddler, because he’d be even closer to Rumer’s age. It would have only been marginally creepier, too.

Still, it’s good to see that there’s no lingering weirdness over Demi Moore marrying Rumer Willis’ teenage crush. And if there is, Rumer can get her own back by marrying one of Demi Moore’s teenage crushes, like William Wilberfoce or Prince Maximilian of Saxony. Yeah, that’d show the bitch.

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