Amazingly when the XJS was launched in 1975 the general consensus was ‘slow’, ‘ugly’ and ‘not as good as an E-Type’.

Now, after witnessing Porsche drop yet another generically dull 911 into showrooms (oh, give over that it’s perfect), we should all learn to appreciate that big old Jag just a little bit more.

For Each Their Own:

Minder‘s Arthur Daley did not drive a Jaguar XJS – so no worries about looking like a second hand car salesman. No, those who choose an XJS are a bit gangster, possibly without morals and definitely not likely to visit their mother at Christmas.

If you are toying with the idea of getting a leaping cat on your
keychain we advise going pre-93. In 1993 the XJS got an injection
moulded, puffy bumpered makeover, taking away its real man edge – while
also dissolving any dreams the driver may harbour of becoming The Equalizer. A comparable analogy would be flared and bootcut jeans. The first says "I’m in a band," the second says "I couldn’t even name one."

To Every Man a Religion:

Petrol tanks are obviously not oceans. You cannot jump inside one with a snorkel hoping to see Jessica Alba. But in the spirit of Jackass let’s just say that you could, the XJS’s tank is where you would want to be.

Up to 6.0 litres of liquid storage equates to one heck of a fuel bill and no chance whatsoever of impressing The Green Party. Should you want to, of course. With a max-promised output of 315 BHP on demand we’d rather drive an XJS to London’s Waterlow Road and burn their headquarters down. But, hey, that’s just us.

Find Everybody and Rule:
The XJS, big fricking lummox that it is, barely seating two adults and their overnight bags, is becoming rather trendy. We would say ‘again’, but the XJS has been out of fashion for so long that we cannot actually remember the last time it was in.

A convertible is the ultimate Jag incarnation, as driven by Cliché-Rasta-Man in Speed (1994). If you manage to source a decent ragtop for under £15,000 and it happens to be commandeered by Keanu Reeves in a check shirt, you just slog that doofy dumbski one in the gut. Give him a pop for Dogstar too while you’re about it.

Laurence Fishburne in Deep Cover (1992), that’s who really tamed the XJS. If you can look half as suave as Larry wearing oversized shades and slurping on a ciggy, then select ‘Park‘ and do it with the hood down. Otherwise, and this applies to most amateur Russell Stevens’s out there, stick to the coupe and only ever smoke menthol.

Everything and Rumble:

Buying a used XJS is primarily about using your common sense. Avoid back street ‘Carz 4 Less’ dealers and stick to official Jaguar approved garages. Or you can show your mettle and surf the private ads. Many quality XJS’s (always go post 1980 and pre-1993) are cared for lovingly by their owners. Keep an eye out for Jaguar Drivers Club membership and a Chronicle-thick history file.

How can you tell a privately sold XJS will even be respectable enough to warrant a look? You check the price. If an XJS coupe is expensive, i.e. not lower than £3,000 and above £10,000 for a top example, then chances are it’s a good one. Follow the Jaguar Club and fat history rules and you should, should, be okay.

Have a peep at this sexy XJS we found on eBay. It does seem a bit cheap, though the seller could be a clueless idiot so don’t rule out closer inspection. The XJS should drive without spit, jerk or moan. If you sense anything other than perfect harmony under the bonnet, leave well alone.

In 1980 an XJS turned up in The Cannonball Run III. It jumped fifty-feet into the air, landed relatively calmly and didn’t kill the driver. That’s about as impressive as third-party recommendations get.

Plus, Ian Ogilvy had a white XJS in short-lived TV gold Return of the Saint. That’s right, Ian Ogilvy!

Our work here is done.

[story by Chris Laverty]