Geena Davis drove one and she used to have a career, don’t you know.

You’re All Mad!:

Not likely son, there’s plenty of love around for the 245 estate, especially since 1981 when the standard model was turbocharged allowing it to overtake without getting a shunt from an oil tanker.

It is big, all right, nearly five metres long without a tow bar and more than capable of taking up two spaces outside your local mini-mart. The 245 may just be the ugliest car ever created, but it will fight to death to get you where you’re going. With current vogue for supermini tiddler-mobiles designed to be kind to the environment and inebriated pedestrians who wander out in front of them, the Volvo 245 makes a refreshingly kick-ass statement. As Kinder toy-free-gifts McFly (CDs) would say, "It’s all about you" – that’s the driver, baby.

This is why 245s make such a great second hand buy. Families living in council accommodation, recently laid-off workers from Midlands call centres; just two sectors of society able to benefit from the Volvo’s affordable MPV practically and all encompassing safety. Forget the gadgets, the 245 saves your life because nine times out of ten it’s bigger than the car you hit. Size, as every jilted boyfriend knows only too well, is everything.

Drive It And See:

You will be astounded by the ride quality. A cushion of air wafting you from one petrol station to the next. This is luxury driving the likes of which Simon Cowell sitting up high in his Rolls Royce Phantom, can only dream of. The Volvo has so much legroom even those with elongated growth disorders can fit comfortably inside. Specification is high too, electric windows all round, heated seats, cruise control – all are common extras. And of course power steering was a must, the 245 is heavier than Kirstie Allsop’s arse.

An automatic gearbox provides the smoothest ride, a top of the range 4-speed being most preferable. If you don’t feel comfortable driving a 245 you’ve either got piles the size of coconuts or you care too much about the name on the bonnet.

The Volvo 245 gives respect where respect’s due. It screams "I’m destitute, but I still know a good motor when I see one". Unlike that pilchard down the road with a twenty-year old Porsche who can’t even sneeze near the thing without the alarm going off. Your Volvo 245 will provide a smug sense of self-satisfaction, particularly on wintry accident-prone roads. Feel like crashing one for a laugh? We can’t condone that obviously, but if you’re got no real need for your spinal column it could be worth a gamble. New series of Balls of Steel anyone?

Nuh-Mate, I’m Gonna Need More:

If you require validity of your car having appeared in a feature film/music video/Coronation Street episode, then look no further than the 245. In all seriousness, this crusty old Volvo has been in more movies than Michael Caine.

Remember Con Air, that old couple out for a drive when a dead body drops onto their bonnet? It was a Volvo 245. The Long Kiss Goodnight, Geena Davis plays chicken with a tree – another 245. Goldeneye, 245 chased by a tank. Fargo, waiting at a tollbooth. The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, crap movie. You get the idea; this Volvo has serious big screen kudos.

You’ve Done It For Me:

We do it for everyone, buddy. Purchase a used 245 and be confident it will serve you well. Suitable for kids? Check. Enough room to run a gardening business without needing a trailer? Check. Good for 100,000 with minimal outlay? Check. And then some.

A decent 245 can be bought for less than a £1000 if you scrutinise the classifieds thoroughly enough. Best to buy with a full history, though in fairness not much goes wrong on a Volvo. They are built for stonking high mileages, so don’t let that put you off either. In fact any 245 over 100k will probably have most of its problem areas either updated or replaced. Brakes can be pricey to overhaul, so bear this in mind when you’re scouring the history file. Alternatively scrap all this advice and pick up a Band-Aid banger for £300. You could do a lot, lot worse.

We couldn’t find a decent 245 on eBay, but a 940 is the next best thing. Check out this classic eBay Volvo example, admire the seller’s respectable feedback, and then bid accordingly.

Get the car that broke all the rules of car design (it’s boxy and unsightly), became a movie star (it was safe for stunt guys to crash) and toppled oppressive governments (er…we’re get back to you).

Those with character arise, your transport awaits – the 245 Estate. Safe.

[story by Chris Laverty]