This car might be rubbish (and it is, definitely), but it’s also indestructible. The Nissan Micra ‘K-10’ is tougher than Steven Seagal’s bathroom scales.

The Lowdown:

The 54 bhp K-10 Micra – produced between 1983 and 1992 – is square like Eugene and annoying like Anthony (t-minus two weeks for the Big Brother references). To say the K-10 lacks curves would be daft. Of course it lacks curves, you can see that by the photo. It’s designed to be functional, not separate sensible ladies from their BHS camisoles. During nine years in production the K-10 did eventually become outdated by its contemporaries (Ford mainly), but it would never, ever, come rain, sleet or shine, let you down. Can’t say that about a Fiesta, can you?

Proudly, we do speak Micra. As does David Lynch, that’s why he’s directed Nissan’s latest TV commercial. It’s rubbish, as you might have guessed. That’s right buddy, Fire Walk With Me (DVDs) doesn’t go away without a fight.

Inside It Gets Worse:

The K-10 wears its heart on its sleeve and under the bonnet. The entry-level engine was a piddly 998 cc, screaming like a fat kid in a supermarket. Unable to get more than about ten feet without insisting on fourth gear being engaged. Because that’s all you got on the K-10 LX, four measly gears. A five speed ‘box was only available on the GLX upgrade, along with such exciting extras as a clock, rear wash-wipe and – hold onto your pacemakers – an FM radio! Not a problem though, the standard LX had a nifty glove compartment which left more than enough room for a couple of cans of Tab Clear and a packet of Nerds. Moreover this is a Nissan; less inside, less to go wrong = more efficient.

Buying:

£300 or less, sold to the smart guy in the hecklerspray t-shirt. Why not? Go and buy one (Micra, not a t-shirt). It’s really cheap, really reliable, really ugly and has no street cred whatsoever. If the latter is something that matters to you then get some more cash together – you doley welfare cheat – and buy a better car. We’re not arguing that the K-10 is a great car, it’s a rubbish car, but it’s also budget happy and dependable. Leaving you more time to have friends and take part in pub darts tournaments. It makes sense.

Scour ebay for a bargain and you’ll be sure to do all right. Even real bedpan K-10’s are worth a gander. The less owners the better. Plenty of old granddads have run them for years and you might even find one with a bit of service history.

Just listen to the engine, run it round the block a few times and if it doesn’t judder too much in third, hand over your pocket change. That’s it, no GNVQ needed.

We’ve found this gorgeous K-10 on eBay. We’re not going to guarantee it’s any good (that’d make us a bit soft in the head) but we do think it seems a good buy. It’s red (obviously a re-spray) and an automatic, which will save on moving your left leg much. Starts at a £1.00.

I’ll Do It, I Will!

Good, we’re pleased. Try your best to kill it, we defy you. No matter how annoyed you get, how much the K-10 tells you its had enough (normally through a peculiar grinding sound), or how much it spits and jerks going up anything more than your driveway, it won’t die. It will start (eventually) every single time.

That’s why we love the Nissan Micra, it’s a zombie. Better still, it’s your mother-in-law as a zombie; you can’t kill it – even if you want to.

[story by Chris Laverty]