Mother Russia dance of the Tsars! So sang Iron Maiden some time last century. They would have loved the Lada Niva, it was just so damn tough.

It’s Not Still Going Then?:

The Niva went out of production in 1998, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. History is what counts in understanding a classic crapheap, albeit massively condensed and probably inaccurate.

AutoVaz factories in Russia first started building the Lada Niva in 1977, quite possibly out of discarded steelwork and pneumatic drill engines. The basic Niva was about as basic as a car could get. A Series IIa Land Rover looked positively lavish by comparison. A four-cylinder 77 BHP engine did most of the work, with a good downhill slope doing the rest. Transmission was in four or five speed manual. Trim, such as it was, consisted of a steering wheel.

Lada went all Mercedes by launching the uprated Cossack Niva in 1988. Alloy wheels, spare tyre and (on some versions anyway) a sunroof made all the difference in a vehicle that many were starting to call the Russian Range Rover. It would kick your arse as look at you, no doubting that. The Niva was built to survive harsh Ruskie winters and near impossible urban terrain. Unlike the modern Range Rover it was not, repeat not, designed for the school run.

Nowadays the Cossack Niva makes a worthwhile buy because it is absurdly cheap and less wanted than a teenage foster child. The market is always flush with them (Ladas, that is), particularly during the summer months. Cogitate wisely before you part with your money however. The Niva is a real beast – it drives like an 80-mph steamroller.

It Looks Somehow Familiar to Me:

As well it should, the Lada Niva is a prominent media celebrity these days. Fine, go ahead and laugh, but how many movies have you been in lately?

The Niva, always keen to be seen at its best, featured throughout The Sum of All Fears covered in snow. Also during The World is Not Enough covered in mud and in Proof of Life covered bonnet to boot in dust, grime and Lord only knows what.

Celluloid criminals around the globe have caught onto the Niva’s ‘built like granite and bought for peanuts’ persona. If kidnapping or rebellion are your thing, a Niva Cossack will certainly put the hours in. The two-door flatback styling makes a nice retro style statement as well. One word of advice, avoid 1980’s paint fleck decals like the plague, they’ll only clash with your camouflage outfits.

I Will Look Cool in One, Won’t I?:

Yes, you will. Stop worrying. More of a concern should be learning to handle the Niva, it really is a total bastard to drive.

Distances over twenty miles in any terrain harsher than a formula one racetrack will shatter your vertebrae every which way imaginable. The seats are far too soft, the suspension far too rigid and the soundproofing is a joke. It is not that stable either. Get overly spirited on a sharp bend and you will tip over. The hardy Lada must be treated with respect. Take the piss and you’re finished, it’s that simple.

Off-road is much safer territory for the Niva. Its 4WD grunt can handle turf only usually considered traversable in a Sherman tank. Machines ten times the price can do no better. Plus if you total your Niva you can just go and buy another one out of the change in your back pocket. That’s right Mr Range Rover, you might well question what good that ‘Sport’ mode is doing you now…stranded on a hill…in the middle of nowhere.

We have a sourced a smasher of a Niva on eBay. The start price is just plain daft and the bodywork is in good condition for the beating it has undoubtedly endured over the years.

Roll-happy antics apart, we wholeheartedly endorse the Lada Niva like a date with our ugliest sister. It’s cute, rugged and never short on personality.

You might not want to fuck a Niva, but, you know, it’s a car, weirdo. Just drive the thing instead.

[story by Chris Laverty]