Naffer than baggy tapered trousers and so embarrassing other drivers will only let you out of side roads to laugh at you – the Ford Probe, everybody. Give it a chance.

Historically:

Following its 1994 release in the UK, Ford were pushing the Probe as a natural successor to the Capri. Conceived as a joint platform venture between Ford and Mazda, the Probe came to sovereign shores in its second incarnation, though had been available in the U.S. some six years before. Not long in the grand scheme of things, but just consider how unpopular Arnold Schwarzenegger became in that time. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Wrongly:

The Probe is a design mish-mash. It looks great from the back, crap from the side, dated from the front and thoroughly reprehensible in white. Full marks and an apple to Ford for attempting to bring a slice of Americana pie to our rainy island, but it was too little too late. Pop-up headlamps were already on their way out in the mid-nineties, the supermini was rearing its tiny little head, house prices looked set to tumble any minute and Ford were still charging £20,000 for the top spec Probe.

So; bad timing or bad design? More bad timing, we reckon. In retrospect the Probe actually looks pretty damn fly; sloping front nose, pop-ups undergoing a retro revival and no suicide doors to ruin the lines – what’s not to like?

Embarrassingly:

Unfortunately there is no escaping the fact that – for the time being anyway – driving a Ford Probe will stop people from liking you. It is scientifically proven to repel women quicker than having your name on the sex offenders register.

Comedian Steve Coogan had much to do with crushing the Probe’s image. The once-upon-a-time comedy genius killed Ford’s new coupe by placing it in the hands of his second most despicable character, salesman Gareth Cheeseman. We can all count the number of times we have seen Cheeseman on telly with two extended fingers, but thanks to constant media salvaging the poison has remained.

The Probe will need decades to shake off this image, and being as it has already had one and a bit we think it is about time to be ironic.

Speedily:

No, no, no, no, no, NO! Driving a Ford Probe is academic to its looks, because that and some heartily generous spec are all you’ll ever be buying it for. Make a statement without ever seeing a clear road in front.

The Probe will not win you anything above respect for taking a chance. The top whack model had 163 bhp squeezed from its underused V6, which translated at just 8.5 seconds 0-60 mph – and that is the manufacturer’s official figure, so you can knock a second off that in real road conditions for a start. Maybe as a (barely) four-seater coupe it is not a terrible average, but it will undoubtedly leave you wanting.

Leathery:

One great thing about the Probe were its impressive entry-level handouts: ABS, airbags, alarm, electric most things – all pretty good going for a Ford in the days before Focus. Consider the same on a 2 litre BMW and you would still be paying for it now. The 24v V6 Probe got lots of leather and bigger alloys as standard. It is worth paying extra on the used car market for this model.

Cheaply:

Yes! Absolutely stupendously so! The very best Probes, twenty four values and leather treated with Vaseline, can still only fetch a couple of thousand on the second hand circuit. That is 10% of its sticker price ten years ago! Even Jaguar cannot hold a candle to such impressive depreciation. The Probe does need history though and lots of it (brakes, tappets, tyres – all common problems). Do not ever buy without a thick wodge of paperwork unless you are looking for a Friday night bar runner.

We are so confident in the Probe’s soon to be discovered coolness we recommend you go out and buy one right now. We can’t speak for overseas markets, frankly we don’t have the resources, but in Blighty the Probe is set for a revival. Buy now, keep safe and dry, and that daftly named coupe could bring you riches in years to come.

We have found an impressive starter model on eBay. Being as this lump cost nearly sixteen grand new we say it’s worth a peep. Don’t expect to overtake much more than a fleet of mobility vehicles though.

Ford Probe: orbit the ring-road gently. Ever so gently.

[story by Chris Laverty]