Rubbish Cars We Love: Ford Orion – Pull the Other One

Let us get one thing out in the open, we do not love the Ford Orion; we love Ford for being so blatantly cheeky as to palm the thing off on us in the first place. Escort… Orion… Escort… Orion… did they think we would not notice?

Feels Like We’ve Been Here Before:

Just as we cannot see the point of Ford’s mega-selling, hip-crushingly dull Focus, we cannot see the point of the Ford Orion either. If in 1983 connecting the minuscule gap between a Sierra and an Escort was the answer, we are still waiting patiently for the question.

Who was the Orion aimed at exactly? Beats us. Even driving schools didn’t seem keen.

Grange Hill:

If we stop being such complete shits for a second, there are some redeeming qualities to the Ford Orion. (Insert three-hour pause where we have tea, biscuits, then more tea and more biscuits).

Ford did inject the Orion with a healthy dose of technology. At the time it was one of the best-specced family cars on the market (of course, the only families you see in it now are also drawing state benefits, but there you go). The 1.6i model came complete with electric windows, sports seats and central locking. The ‘i’ for injection did not hurt either. This made the Orion not only a more cost efficient alternative to the Vauxhall Cavalier, but a faster one too.

Duran Duran:

Crediting Ford’s nerve, we are optimistic about Orion’s future as an A to B hobbler. Its image is currently akin to a paedophile’s personal ad, but it still retains kudos as a driving curiosity.

Unless you are reading this on somebody else’s computer you should be able to afford a basic 1.3 Orion with nothing more than neglect keeping its badge on the grille. We are aching to know what ensured several thousands of suckers parted with their cash right up until 1993 when the ‘big onion’ finally choked its last in the UK.

Giving the Ford Orion its customary facelift in 1986, Ford pushed even harder against Volkswagen’s Jetta and won by some considerable margin. In the battle of pointless sized mid-semi-saloon compacts the FMC ruled supreme. Orion was Ford’s ‘we told you so’ car. No other vehicle in their line-up less deserved to be there, and yet somehow still was. That showed us. Ford won.

Then they made it into an Escort and were done with it.

Hi-Tec:

Do not expect too much when you drive an Orion. Though the fuel injected 1.6 is swifter than it sounds, and a lot of laughs in a we’ve-just-done-a-bank-job kind of way. However it’s still a sub-two litre compact Ford, so not likely to snap knicker elastic anytime soon.

There were three incarnations of Orion (and three tests the penitent man must pass, etc), each gradually more like an Escort than the last. Six engine variations were eventually available, the 1.8 diesel and aforementioned 1.6 fuel injection being the most sort after (read: less hated than others).

Beverly Hills Cop:

We have found an intact Orion on eBay, all ready to pilot until the clutch falls through the floor. Expect one hard winter with a few nasty bills and be happy with that.

If we are not coming across as chuffed to bits with the Ford Orion, we apologise. If you drive one of these things and we have offended you by suggesting you can’t afford to pay your own council tax, we also apologise.

As for dissin’ Ford, those brazen buggers with cardigans in their eyes, we still harbour horrible memories of the rankfest Escort MK V - and we’re certainly not saying sorry for that.

Besides with the Orion, Ford even made us smile for once.

[story by Chris Laverty]