You can’t discuss any Ford Cortina without mentioning the famous ‘coke bottle’ styling of the Mark 3. See, we just did. Except that the later Mark 4 was as square as a first-class postage stamp. Worth about as much too.

Tough Love, This One:

Definitely. But there are some joys to be had with a car that gives the impression of being utter crap from a distance, only to get ten times worse when you actually climb inside. It’s no rumour that you can see the heads of the Philips screws used to bolt the dashboard together. With Ford’s late-70’s build quality we should be grateful it wasn‘t Bostik.

The Mark 4 Cortina was built from 1976 to 1979, though many swamped the paupers second-hand car market throughout the 1980’s. If your dad didn’t have one then chances are someone else’s did – and you probably donated your unwanted clothes to the poor kid at Christmas.

When Did It Turn Up In The Sweeney?:

If any car of the era had a) blue vinyl or b) a webasto sunroof, that all-important Sweeney (DVDs) appearance was obligatory.

The Mark 4 was no exception, despite not actually making it into the TV series at all. Not even the first spin-off movie in fact. No, the Cortina Mark 4 had to make do with Sweeney 2, the final refuge of the Waterman/Thaw declining years. Ford were chuffed, as always, at least criminals and bent coppers wanted to drive the thing.

Spotted Anywhere Else?:

Uh-huh. Some of the earlier Cortina models were featured in Get Carter, Ash Wednesday and Carry On Cabby. All films of distinction, the last one most of all.

Top of the line was Ford’s shameless cash-in on Starsky and Hutch. Yep, that American TV show where the closet gay heroes drove a V8 Torino. It was a Ford though, so what the Hell, money’s calling! In their shame Ford mocked up a Torino-esque Cortina by adding nothing more than go-faster stripes and a mildly enhanced BHP. Not good. Put it this way you’d look cooler on today’s roads driving a Rover Streetwise.

That production of the Mark 4 Cortina ended just ten months after the Starsky and Hutch special edition was built only reinforces our argument further.

‘Nice Wheels, Dickhead’:

So said every kid at the school gates just waiting to beat you up at hometime. You needn’t think your dad would get out to help either – he wouldn’t risk his glasses and fake beard falling off. The ride in a Cortina was no more pleasurable experience than being seen in it. Though saying that the engine did have a pleasing grunt from idle and the gearchange was predictably smooth. Nice roomy boot too. Oh, for Christ’s sake!

I’m Still Tempted:

Then joy go with you and opt for the best specced model you can. A Cortina ‘Ghia’ is the preferred choice. They go for extra dollars, but with even the very best Mark 4s selling for less than a couple of thousand you can afford little luxuries like patterned cloth seats and a cigarette lighter.

Scouring eBay we could only find a rather wanting 2.0 litre GT, ‘chocolate green’ in colour and sold, we shit you not, with the tagline ‘Pussy Not Included’. At a starting price of only £800.00 there really are worse ways to get into classic motoring.

All in all it’s worth baring in mind that we’ve been tough on the Mark 4 Cortina because – with its Sweeney heritage and robust front end – we actually quite like it. Don’t think we feel the same about Kate Moss however, no matter how robust her front end might be.

[story by Chris Laverty]