There have been a couple of musical collaborations throughout the course of history that have stunk of poo.

Sometimes there are two things you’d never imagine recording together to see how it sounds. Cats and pencil sharpeners, dogs and electricity and small children and small pieces of glass will all have dire consequences.

But what happens when something we all know will be utter rubbish comes together? Pending crapness is the answer. Just ask Rolf Harris and that Hollie Steel girl from Britain’s Got Talent who kept on crying.

Rolf Harris is a successful artist, musician and an Australian who isn’t working behind the bar in one of England’s many pubs. He’s most famous for his song Two Little Boys which does exactly what it says on the cover. It’s all about two young children. But unlike today’s society, the tune isn’t about Rolf getting his head kicked in after refusing to buy two ASBO-ridden children a cheap bottle of cider.

Other skills that Rolf have all involve music. Amazingly, he can blow down a big stick and make funny noises out of it. For the innocent among you, it looks like a giant recorder. Or, for the many of our dirty minded readers, he’s making sweet music by blowing a giant cock.

Compared to the godlike genius that is Rolf Harris, Hollie Steel is a child. That really is about it. When Britain’s Got Talent rolled back onto our screens for a third series this year, Hollie somehow made the final. We say somehow because there’s really nothing special about her – up and down the land, there are thousands of other bratty children who randomly burst into tears when they don’t get their own way. Rolf Harris and Hollie Steel may have no connection at all, but according to Digital Spy:

“We have just heard that Rolf wants to do a single with her. It’s a new song that Rolf has written about a grandfather and granddaughter.”

What? Are the two somehow related? Did a dingo abduct and savagely eat Rolf Harris’s grandchildren? Has our Rolf thrown a dart at a map of famous children and selected Hollie? Granted, Gary Coleman was Rolf’s first choice, but one of his aides had to inform him that Gary is just a shrunken grown up. Hollie’s pushy mother also added:

“Hollie is a big fan of Rolf, especially when he was doing Animal Hospital.”

Ahh, Animal Hospital, there was TV at its most cheery. Who can forget the sight of Snuffles the dog being scraped up off the pavement? Or the hilarious adventures of Cuddles the hamster who ended up being a part of the vet’s BBQ after he tragically died of a heart attack. And then there was the dismal sight of an ageing Australian wiping the tears out of his beard as he flushed another fish down the toilet.

If this song ever comes to be, we’re going to contact Lee Ryan and ask if he fancies recording something together. But we won’t ask him to write the lyrics, we wouldn’t be able to read his wacky dyslexic ways.

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