Believe what you read and you’ll know that Robert Pattinson smells like a sweaty tramp’s dirty rectum – fact.
And that’s made Robert Pattinson mad. Because, as everyone knows, the only things that Robert Pattinson smells of are moonbeams, fairydust and an unidentified chemical agent that makes teenage girls and lonely adult women urinate on sight. Seriously, Robert Pattinson is so upset with rumours of his chronic BO that he’s actually gone public to tell everyone that he does shower sometimes, actually.
So just to clear that up, Robert Pattinson doesn’t stink. He just looks like he stinks. Big difference.
Robert Pattinson can’t go anywhere without women falling at his feet, and for a while last week we thought we knew why. No, it’s not because of his dreamy hair or the way that he plays a romantically-idealised vampire in a crappy movie. And, no, it’s not because he appears to be so strapped of anything approaching personality that females can easily project their desires onto his big blank face without obstruction.
No. It’s because Robert Pattinson stinks so horrendously that all his stale sweat particles clog up their nostrils, starve their brains of oxygen and cause them to fall into near-instant unconsciousness. It’s a neat trick, Pattinson, but we’re on to you. We’re on to you, you hear?
Or maybe we’re not. Because, following last week’s reports from sources on the New Moon set claiming that Robert Pattinson is a great big stinking bumguff who brushes his teeth with clods of animal dung, takes baths in tubfuls of steaming gypsy piss and wipes his bottom with other people’s dirty bottoms (we’re paraphrasing), Robert Pattinson has gone on the offensive to tell everyone that he does wash now and then, as it happens. Monsters And Critics reports:
When asked about the rumours, Pattinson said: “I do shower! And besides I haven’t even been on the set yet!”
We can’t tell you how upset this news has made us. Robert Pattinson really does have it all – good looks, nice hair and armpits that don’t smell of a cheese convention in a wee factory. We’re distraught. Honestly, those rumours about Kristen Stewart having a penis and a telescopic chin had better be true, otherwise we’ll have nothing left to live for.
But anyway, how did Robert Pattinson know that people said he stinks? Simple – it’s because he Googles himself regularly. He said:
“I admit I do look for myself sometimes. I used to do it a lot more before. Now I only look at the negative stuff. I just want to know whoever’s saying negative stuff, I want to remember their names. I write it all down in my black book.”
That’s hecklerspray with a small h, Rob. All one word. Much appreciated. Ta.
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{ 97 comments… read them below or add one }
You are pathetic. I have read several articles that stated Robert’s hygiene is not the greatest, but not one of them exaggerated it as much as you have in your article. To be able to take a rumor and completely inflate it the way you have is completely ignorant. Smelly or not he is a very talented young man who is going to go very far with his career. I would love one person to write an article about some of Robert’s qualities instead of taking one flaw and blowing it up and writing about it for months. Have you smelt Robert? If not, how can you write an article based on what you heard from a mystery person on set? Send Robert my way, I will smell him and write an article describing how exactly he really smells!
Stuart Heritage wishes women would want to get close enough to him to smell anything about his body.
What best describes you, Stuart?
Sick or Mental?
Or just a jealous bitch?
Your article isnt even worth looking.
I am horrified by the comments from the USA. Obviously the natives over there can’t tell the difference between a real article and a piece of satire that was never meant to be taken seriously, like Dubya’s presidential candidacy.
Oh
my
god.
The combined IQ of most of the responses to this article is so low I can’t calculate it. Present company and a few others excluded.
*chuckle* like how u worked in a swipe at bushy boy *cyberhi5*
this doesn’t help his cause..
named unsexy for stinkiness…
Very funny satire. Thanks Stuart. Hey guys, ease back – it’s the articles that are intended to be taken seriously you should slam.
I agree with you… great satire.
I have smelled him up close, in fact he invited me too.
Have you ever been to heaven? That is what it was like, heaven in a nasal passage.
thank you! haha what do you mean he offered?
I will bath him!
Bathe
That article was hysterical, true or not………..the guy is ugly. Has a flat face, never seen such a look. His 15 minutes are almost up. Trust me, I am nowhere near a teen………and I know a vapid face when I see one.
Sounds like someone is JEALOUS! He is FAR from ugly. And trust me, I am not a teen nor a lonely woman. I do not strive for attention, in fact, I get plenty of it!
You must be Male!
TRUE DAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DANG IT!!!!!!!!! I MEANT TO REPLY TO MATT!
I love reading comments from people that are obviously jealous and/or bitter. Not just about this, but about other things too. I find it so funny that they hate something or somebody so much, but still click on and read articles about them and then post comments about it. Do you people really have nothing better in your life to do other than waste time looking for things you hate so you post comments declaring your hatred about them?
I love reading these also due to the bitterness/jealousy and agruments that are started over someone that they don’t even know. It’s amazing how passionate one can become over a crush on the screen. LOL
SAME WITH DANIEL RADCLIFFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This: ‘…a cheese convention in a wee factory’
had me rolling! But not as much as the Princess Pissy Pantses who googled Robert Pattinson, found this article, didn’t take the time to READ it properly and commented anyway, taking it all VERY SERIOUSLY INDEED. D’oh!
I really am getting tired of all the rumors. People need to get a life and quite making things up. I also wish that Robert would get on the sites and answer some of the comments that are posted on them.
Maybe he has and you just don’t know it because he does not claim it’s him. And even if he signed his name, you probably wouldn’t believe it was him anyway.
I certainly don’t have anything bad to say about Robert Pattinson. He’s so gorgeous that even if he did stink, I wouldn’t mind getting close to him! He can add my name to his black book anytime!
well i rally don’t know why people are saying all this things about Robert. Have they really smelled him themselves. I don;t believe that he stinks as bad as they say he does. Any one that writes about a person based on what other say is really ignorant. I know people that have been up closed to him and tell me that all this people that are saying this are a bunch of liars. Good thing he does not take the time to answer to all this crap, he is just focusing on what he has to do. Keep talking about him after all u are helping his fame!!!!.
I will be so glad when we move onto the next rumor cause this one is really getting old =) Robert, you better keep that black book handy until you get a decent publicist sweet pea.
Hiya Robert Pattinson here LOL its true I do stink but I still get to stick my winkle in everything I want LOL so wat do i care
LOL
i hate the article but i have to admit that this made me laugh out loud! ppl these days.
Oh man. The Twihards have found you, Heritage. First the Satanic Verses debacle and now this.
Twihards. Love it.
some of the things said are rather harsh. who cares if he so call smells. That is his business. He seems to be a great hardworking, very talented, caring guy. I hope he never pays attention to any of this except that he has a lot of fans, including myself, and to keep doing what he is doing if it makes him happy. Isn’t that what it is all about anyway. Keep up the good work Rob!! I bet you smell great!!
You are a pathetic Loooseeerrr!!! I did not finish reading your article, as always you are using Robert for people to read your crap, GET A LIFE!!! GET LAID!!!! AND LEAVE HIM ALONE !!!!!! BIATCH!!!
I think that a lot of stars are jealous of Robert Pattison and that is why they are telling this junk on him. He does not appear to be unclean on any of the sights I have seen him on. Also his hair is beautiful and the most beautiful bedroom eyes I have ever seen. I am not a young swooning teenager but retired and never have I had a crush or been an active fan of anyone even Elvis or The Beatles. But this young man can go far if he stays as shy and unabsorbed in himself like most of the actors who have so much self ego that they don’t even need fans. They worship themselves. All I can say is please Robert don’t let the gossip get you down. It only makes you more sexy and desirable to the young girls. Stick with the movies you are doing (except ASHES). I saw the previews and thought it was boring and stupid. Hated to see you in that because it makes you look artless and stupid. But you can do other better movies and keep the girls singing your praises. Also I think you and Kristen Stewart rock on Twilight. I sure hope to see more between you two. I have read the books over and over and seen the movie a hundred times. Hang in there!
Why do you have to categorize adult women that appreciate Robert as “lonely”? WTF? You have to be lonely to think that he is aesthetically pleasing? That’s kind of rude and offensive. There are a lot of older men that young girls find attractive and you don’t say mean things about that. What about older men that lust after girls in their early 20′s? I’m curious – How do you classify yourself? I happen to think that Robert is completely dreamy and I am a happily married mother of two.
Thank you for calling out the author of this “article” (if you can even classify it as that).
Twilight is sh|te but this guy is a great actor – check out his other stuff and no I don’t mean HP. He’s also a talented lyricist, vocalist and musician. The lack of personality statement screams jealousy. He’s shy but hilarious and witty.
You seem to know alot about him.
I never heard of the guy until I was watching tv this morning and what is this world coming to when we have to broadcast how someone smells?? Really who is with this guy everyday in the shower anyway to know if he really showers??
Maybe he’s a vampire and his special skill is the ability to project a bad smell?
I think that was pretty mean. lol.
Well Stu I hope you’re happy. You’ve pissed off every horny female this side of the moon. It never ceases to amaze me how easily these people get their panties in a bunch.
Roberts lil sisters myspace is http://www.myspace.com/micflog
No Lie…
seriously?
Sweaty tramp’s dirty rectum–ha! Even Rpattzizzle would find that funny.
This article is horrible…there is nothing funny about this at all and i usually have a weird sense of humor. Its sad that people are saying these things. Rob is a gorgeous man and yeah he isnt like all of the other baby faced metrosexuals you see everywhere…thats what we love about him! He’s a MAN…and a sexy one at that!
damn straight!
LOL!
Obviously this is poking fun at other “news articles”
that won’t stop about these kids looks/ hygiene.
Girls, show your support for Robert by not bathing ever again!
This might be the most accurate piece written about Rob yet! (insert chuckle) The only thing more ridiculous than this is the actual ‘articles’ being written about Rob. Funny. Obscenely over the top, but funny.
Okay so is every one telling me they have never had bo or had a bad hair day or had stinky breath ! well who cares if he does let me see you get up and act in front of billions of people and tell me your not nervouse or you wont get pit stains grow up get on with life and leave him alone!
yah he is a fantastic actor and the hottest man I have ever seen but hes only human so leave him alone and let him do his job! xoxo
I agree with you.
you suck stuart (or at least this articledoes) Rob pattison doesn’t smell, acuathe cautlly does shower for thse who still belive he doesn’t. I lvoe Rob pattison and him as edward. Ilove the mvoeis and series and I lvoe all the actros. Hell according to Rocehlel alfyere on an interview at much on dmeand at much msuci, (tel vide phone), she stated thar Rob smells normal. liek any other guy who sohwers but without the clonge. Oh yeah I think he was hot with his preivorus hair but looks hot with his new hair cut and stills looks hot even with his new do growing otu abit. . I mean he diad admit to havign wearing hte smae shirt on an itnerview that he on a previous day, ubt a hsirt is usually good for 2-3 days or maybe he rewashed it. but yeah what iswrogn with you? are you just jealous?
I will lick him clean from his toes to the top of his head….no problem
Ummmmm–now that was nasty. lol
i no, rite!!!! me too…
robert pattinson does not fuckin stink…seriously..all those people who are starting rumors that he stinks need to get a fuckin lif..coz obviously they are so jealous of Robert and they have nothin better to do than criticize Robert…i hate them!!1
Can I just say that bad publicity is even good publicity when you are trying to make a career in show business. So let everyone state their opinions whether you agree with them or not.
you or whoever this is loves to rash on people. just stop! it’s pathetic, and rude-and TWILIGHT IS NOT A CRAPPY MOVIE! i saw twilight so much, and i myself have to say that all my entire school loves it! i mean, we all have stinky days, and i bet YOU smell. By writing this excuse of an article, you’re probably breaking his soul right now… just as bad as someone who runs a genocide! Robert has a reputation to follow through, and by writing this, he’s losing respect for his fellow fans. i think tat mystery person on set really is jealous of Rob that he got to play the lead role, and whatever BEEF that person had with Rob, should GRILL it up and eat it! That person has no respect for anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Kellan Lutz or Jackson Rathbone….
to be continued….
yea ur rite. they wuld do somtin like thah. twilight doesn’t suck. this person does smell, 2
Who cares if he stinks! Stinky men rock!! He’s gorgous, and talented. He has my vote stinky or not!
Hahaha this is the funniest thing I have read in ages! I love the way this person has taken the lame articles and inflated them into this genius piece of satire, which if read properly you would realize is poking fun at the moronic people writing the serious articles of pointless garbage.
By posting negative feedback about this author and how they are pathetic and should be ashamed of inflating this rumor to this extent are just proving yourselves to be prudish illiterate fools, who can not take a joke, whether it is Rob’s joke about his hygiene or a well written satirical piece such as this.
This is the only rational and correct comment made.
Well done
Thank you I thought so, all the other comments just either made me laugh at their stupidity, shake my head at how utterly dumb they were, or cringe with how utterly over the top they were! I felt the need to insert one that set people straight but it didnt work people have still posted more utterly stupid comments under this one!
Sigh, guess some people are too stupid to understand!
Um kirsten stewart having a penis?? Thats rude and Disgusting. When I was in the FIFTH GRADE people would talk about this shyt. Wow. Just wow.
ok well listion you stupid people
if he did stink wont you think that bella would of told us..omg people get real
robert pattinson is the best edward ever!!your all just jealous of him bc hes famous..and its silly..lay off of him..
I dont think rob stinks. so whoever started that rumor is just so jealous of him they started that rumor which is so not true cause how can a guy that looks like that stink? but i love u robert pattinson??
YA’LL ARE SO FREEKIN STUPID, IT AIN’T EVEN FUNNY! YA’LL JUST WROTE THAT ARTICLE CAUSE YA’LL ARE JEAOULS OF HIM! HE HAS THE LOOKS THAT YA’LL COULD NEVER EVEN DREAM OF HAVING! YA’LL NEED TO GIVE HIM SOME SLACK. HE COULD HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION THAT HE MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT THAT COULD BE CAUSEN HIM TO STINK, DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT? NO. YA’LL WERE JUST BUSY SPREADING RUMORS ABOUT WHO SEEMS TO BE A PRETTY NICE GUY. LEAVE HIM BE!!!!!!!!!
Why don’t all of the jealous people in the world get a life, I mean seriously you say he stinks that is so immature and just stupid like elementary school. I really doubt a man like him would have a problem with that. First of all he seems like he was raised in a good loving family so I am sure that he took showers as a child and now he’s grown so I’m sure he would continue the habit , secondly he has plenty of money to buy himself some very nice colognes so I really doubt that he stinks. Anyway if someone like him so genuine, real, hot, and talented as hell especially his music which is so powerfully soul touching, could get away stinking and no one would probably care. Good luck with your future stay positive and who cares what people try to say about you when you know yourself.
hey sexy lets get cozy
I can’t believe the bull**** being put in the news. Haven’t you people ever heard of someone making somthing up for the sake of dragging someones good name through the mud. Reading stuff like this makes me so mad that I could just spit. I feel so sorry for Robert, it’s bad enough he’s having a hard time dealing with his new found fame. You can tell he’s uncomfortable when you see some pictures of him. I find him utterlly endearing. I hope whoever started these stupid rumors bites their own tongue in their sleep every night.
i would just like to say that just because someone says something about someone else doesn’t make it true. Robert Pattinson is a good actor and has a lot of fans out there that don’t really care if he stinks or not (not saying he does) because he is a good actor and it is hard to think of a better actor that could possibly play Edward in tthe twilight saga and as a fan myslf i feel sorry for obert Patinson and hope he doesn’t read this stuff aout him as it would be horrible if h started to doubt himself over peoples stupid rumours. x
wow, does it really matter how much some hot guy stinks? Honestly people, what’s with the huge fuss? Go smell him before you write he stinks. Obviously the author could write a decent article if it wasn’t about something so stupid.
They’re just jealous because his swagga is over 9000.
Well i think were dealing with a case of professiona jealousy here. This actor wants to be rob so bad he writes spiteful articles that are totally not true, ONLY IN HIS DELUSIONAL MIND! this writer needs to get a life and stop attacking rob!