There isn’t much about Robert Pattinson is there? If he wasn’t in some vaguely successful films about vampires who are ashamed of their own erections, then you’d probably hang a coat off him and think no more of it.
In a bid to get some personality, Pattinson has decided to do two things. Apparently, the third option was to write “PERSONALITY” on his forehead in permanent marker, but alas, the person assigned to the job got so bored looking at his face that they fell asleep midway through the job, leaving Pattinson walking around with the word “PERSON” written across his brow.
So what’s he up to now? It involves the baby steps of a music career and getting blind drunk.
That’s right! Robert Pattinson is starting a band. It doesn’t matter what kind of band he fancies being part of because no-one will ever hear the music.
This is for one of two reasons. The first is that, should this group actually be anything like decent, then every single note they play will be drowned out by the screams of randy teenagers. Perhaps Pattinson should consider releasing a CD of the sound of screaming teenagers, just so no-one gets confused.
The second reason that no-one will hear his wares is that it’s very likely to be agonisingly dull. Imagine Leonard Cohen singing while in bed laid up with a bad cold. Basically, Pattinson’s music would have a similar effect to sticking Night Nurse in your veins.
Not that any of this matters of course, because Pattinson hasn’t even played a note yet.
That’s because he apparently got drunk in a recording studio after hiring professionals to help him start his musical career.
The Twilighter didn’t complete a single song because he decided it would be better to simply get pissed.
An insider told the highly reputable news source, the National Enquirer:
“Rob needs to seriously rethink his musical career.
“He didn’t manage to get anything done because he invited a bunch of his rowdy friends and brought tons of booze to the studio. He ended up goofing off all night with his buddies and getting drunk.”
The source added:
“Rob mostly joked around with the musicians and kept them there for hours.
“He got so wasted that he couldn’t get it together long enough to complete one track.”
Musicians, by and large, are the most boring humans on Earth… however, they do have a good line in anecdotes and lies. It’s probably fair to assume that Pattinson decided to get ripped to his man-baps in order to try and convince the assorted sessionfolk that he had something resembling a personality.
Sadly, a drunk Robert Pattinson is much like a stoned Tamagotchi – a blinking vessel that doesn’t have the ability to do anything that requires more than simply taking up some space in the world.
kitsunefox9 says
Oh man I could not stop laughing at the thought of someone trying to write “personality” on his forehead and fall asleep half way through.
Man I had to stop after even writing that because I bursted into laughter again. Oh god Mof you crack me up haha. I hope to god that he is in fact that boring. Because it would make it all so much more hilarious!