Robert Pattinson So Boring That He Might Be Given An Oscar Just To See If He Does Something Vaguely Interesting

Watching Robert Pattinson at work is like watching a tortoise slowly chew a piece of old lettuce. Slow, methodical and containing the briefest glimpse of life. Of course, what puts Pattinson above tortoise status is his pretty, pretty face.

And so exasperated is Hollywood by Pattinson and his shedful of boring is that they’re thinking of giving him an Oscar just to see if he does anything even vaguely interesting. Failing that, they’ll have to stick a cut on his face to give him ‘character’.

You shrieking Twilight fans probably think that all that fandom you’ve shown is going to finally pay off in the form of a golden statue. Not so.

That’s because Pattinson isn’t going to get a gong for his role as a vampire with a chastity belt on. Nosireebob, Pattinson may be up for an Oscar for his role as Jacob Jankowski in the upcoming ‘Water for Elephants.’

Remember him nearly getting killed by an elephant? That elephant should be given an honorary Oscar as well, just for livening up Pattinson’s astonishingly dull life.

Anyway, when R-Patz’s co-star in the movie, Oscar-winning Christoph Waltz, was asked where he kept his trophy, he said, “It’s in my house, but the way things are looking, I might have to hand it off to Rob next year!”

Pardon? Christoph Waltz now decides who gets an Oscar? When did this happen? We clearly missed that memo. If we knew that, we would have never bothered sending boxes of shit to half the directors in Hollywood!

Every day is a school day.

Anyway, Pattinson’s ‘Twilight’ co-star Kristen Stewart is being touted for an award after getting a lot of praise for her work in ‘Welcome to the Rileys.’

Neither will win of course because every single award will go to Natalie Portman and her really nice face.

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  1. Shelbie says

    I have to agree that Robert Pattinson is not the most exciting person in the world. But if I were him, with thousands of teenage girls, full of ear-piercing screams just waiting to be shrieked, constantly stalking and surrounding me, I would want to keep as low a profile as possible, just to avoid the rabble.

    I do think it’s a little unfair to be so mean about him though. The Twilight Saga aside, Rob is actually a decent actor. (Little Ashes, Remember Me) I think it’s actually refreshing to look at the cover of a magazine, and the only time Rob is mentioned, it’s some new “Breaking News” about Twilight. I like that he isn’t the center of constant scandals and other young Hollywood melodrama.

    I also appreciate that he isn’t an awkward and rebellious teenage actor, and so he doesn’t throw himself into roles that could mar his reputation and affect future jobs, much like Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning did with The Runaways. I think he is always respectful of the age of the Twilight audience, both in interviews and in real life, and only lets himself speak freely when in a role meant for an adult audience.

    Honestly, I think we should be applauding Rob, not attacking him.

  2. Bethany11 says

    Robert Pattinson does deserve an Oscar and I think once real people see Water For Elephants they will know he can’t act or he’s being cst in the wrong roles. Robert comes across way too young in WFE and Reese comes across way too old. If you read the book you don’t get this older woman wanting to sleep with this younger man but when you look at the pictures on the internet the two together look sleazy.

  3. Arthur ASCii says

    I just checked out Robert Pattinson’s Twitter feed, @robTomPattinson, and far from being “boring” it appears he’s actually a master of intrigue and is running an intricate Lost-style Alternate Reality Game, providing regular clues based on deciphering his day to day tweets:

    “whether if it takes to respond to their messages, not because they do not want to read that is why,”

    “I am overwhelmed, sometimes I like to go back to the past, when life was normal, follow me everywhere, I get tired”

    “forgiveness, because they are almost in the Twitter, but I do not have time for anything that I’m recording with a new movie “remember me” ”

    I must admit he’s piqued my interest, an idea like this is really quite the opposite of “boring” in my book. I’m hoping it will lead to some sort of prize at the end, possibly the chance to meet this modern-day Moriarty.

  4. Deborah Sexton says

    Most of us are boring. So what? It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.

  5. Emma says

    , Dean, where do we start? To Sal you are “angel” and “devil,” “Shrouded Traveler,” “Holy Goof,” “saint,” “God,” “Angel of Terror,” “Soul of Beat,” “con-man,” and countless others. You are somehow both a pedophile and sexual icon, hero and potential drug addict, criminal and holy guru. Men want to be you, women want to sleep with you

  6. Be nice says

    Hi Everyone,

    I think this writer and the site staff got overbored with lack of attention and hits. So he wrote something about Robert Pattinson and Twilight.

    Havent you guys noticed by now that media and internet gossip sites use Robert and Twilight to get some attention?

    I am making this comment as a request from all Rob fans. Please guys DONT Respond or help these sites. NO Point of reasoning as they will write what they want to get some attention.

    KEEP in mind there are other sites loke this. You must know them by now. Please dont pay ATTENTION to them.

  7. Arthur ASCii says

    I never said he was boring.

    If your satire detector had been switched on and calibrated even remotely correctly, you’d have spotted that I may well have been poking a bit of fun at his also being a complete fucking illiterate, which I can only assume you are too since a) you can neither read nor comprehend a fairly simple bit of irony in a blog comments and b) your level of reading begins and ends with fucking TWILIGHT.

  8. hanna bernard says

    Who wrote this article?
    Sorry but the author seems to lack knowledge in many places. Christoph Waltz was merely stating his opinion and he’s just saying Robert Pattinson did a good job in the film. I’m sorry but you’re not the one with the acting career, so unless you actually worked with Rob before or seen any of his films other than the Twilight films i’d find something better to do with your life than write some measly article about how bad of an actor he is.In truth he must have some talent enough to keep getting roles and building his career. At least he knows what roles he likes and what ones to avoid. Oh and I’m sure he won’t just be handed an oscar to see if he’d do anything with it, that’s not how the award shows work.

  9. Abby says

    That’s not his Twitter. He doesn’t have Twitter or facebook, but there are a lot of fakes. (remember Twitter gives the “verified” tag to the real celeb users.)

  10. Arthur ASCii says

    Actually, treacletits, the “Verified” program has closed.

    You can’t judge if an account is real by a verified tag. Twitter do, however, close down fake/fan/parody accounts that don’t state in the description they are fakes:

    This account states in it’s description that it is “The real Robert Thomas Pattinson official twitter”.

    It doesn’t say “fake” and it hasn’t been closed down. Ergo, it MUST be the real deal.

    Elementary, my dear wrong ‘un.