It’s sure to come as a shock, but try not to go for your gun straight away, whether it’s to go on a killing rampage or to turn the barrel on yourself. Just hold on. You can get through this.

It’s damn hard though. We’re struggling ourselves to come to terms with the news. Be comforted in the knowledge that hecklerspray is doing everything in its power to get to the bottom of this.

For you see, Robert “Rob” Pattinson has gone and got Kristen Stewart pregnant, if reports are to be believed.

Tweens and spinsters: he’s cheated on you.

Why the man with the face made of timber would want to risk the wrath of his fanbase – which consists entirely of troglodytes who communicate solely through shrieking, and would rather see “Rob” dead than with any other creature on this earth – we do not know.

The adult child has cojones, that much we do know.

Using our finest sources (clicking on the link to Digital Spy), we discovered this nugget of (possible) truth straight from one of our most reliable and oft-used news outlets (Australian NW Magazine):

“When [she] worked out she was late, she obviously started to thinking that she could be pregnant. And because of the timing, she thinks Rob could be the father.”

Well, seeing as that all but confirms the definite news that Kristen Stewart is pregnant by Robert “Rob” Pattinson’s seed, we may as well speculate as to what it will look like, what it is to be called and what awful franchises it will star in, based on crap books written by a sexually-frustrated Mormon.

It will look like: a cross between its parents. i.e. Dull, woody and flat.

It will be named: Something that can be shortened for ease of use by cloying mentalists (otherwise known as “fans”). i.e. Robert “Rob”.

Awful franchises it will star in: Most likely the sequels to the Twilight saga that are bound to come about when that Mormon woman realises she wants a bit more money. i.e. ‘Mega Vampire Four: Effeminate Vampires In Space‘.

Though we have to speculate that maybe they hope the child could be the reincarnation of Michael Jackson. In which case they’re doing the right thing and shouldn’t fear repercussions from insane, violent fanbeasts.

Just think about it.