This is AMAZING! It means that Twilight is a REAL STORY! First Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart fall in love, then they have sex, the Kristen Stewart gets pregnant, then Robert Pattinson has to chew off Kristen Stewart’s vulva so the baby can come out, and then a load of sexy topless boy werewolves start fighting Robert Pattinson but it’s alright because in the end they totally all start kissing each other with tongues and then a rainbow comes out and we can DIE HAPPY! OH GOD THIS IS INCREDIBLE!
Or, for those of you who don’t like Twilight, a boy with crap hair has started going out with a girl with crap hair. And that’s it. Take your pick.
You might want to sit down for this, readers. You know Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the two young Twilight stars who’ve spent the best part of a year haplessly trying to pretend that they’re not a couple even though they obviously are, are a couple. At this weekend’s Baftas, after basking in the supreme glory that is George Lamb, Robert Pattinson finally did the decent thing and admitted his love affair with Kristen. RTE reports:
Twilight star Robert Pattinson has finally admitted that he is dating his co-star Kristen Stewart. At a event following the awards show Pattinson said “It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans. It goes crazy. We are here together and it’s a public event but it’s not easy. We have to do all this stuff to avoid attention.”
Poor Kristen Stewart. We’re not saying that because she’s now thrown herself at the mercy of all the female Twilight fans by romantically linking herself with their fantasy ideal, although nobody wants to have millions of prepubescent panda-eyed goths with misplaced Paramore affinities and ludicrously weak bladders as enemies. No, we’re saying that because it means Kristen Stewart has to wake up and look at Robert Pattinson every morning. Remember – that’s what his hair looks like after he’s done stuff to it. Imagine how silly it looks when he’s just woken up. Terrifying.
But, hey, we’re happy for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Now that the secret is out, they’re free to do whatever they want. They can go to a restaurant and have their meal ruined by hundreds of screaming, urine-soaked idiots. Or they can go to the cinema and have their film ruined by hundreds of screaming, urine-soaked idiots. Or they can go on holiday and have every single moment of it ruined by hundreds of screaming, urine-soaked idiots. We’re thrilled for them.
Although, wasn’t it just last week that Robert Pattinson decided to announce that he’s got a deadly allergy to vaginas? You know what this means? It means that Kristen Stewart doesn’t have a vagina. It means that Kristen Stewart must be an intersexual.
You’re welcome, internet messageboards.