You know Robert Pattinson? Allergic to vaginas and a face which conveys about as much emotion as a cement-mixer? Yeah, that guy. Well, if you’re a woman and you’re thinking you might be able to convince him that not all minges are abhorrent things, think again. That’s because he’s probably going deaf.
Those daydreams you’ve had about dangling your leg over the side of a small rowing boat on a summer’s day, glass of champagne in one hand and a strawberry in the other, whispering sweet nothings into the ear of the world’s favourite vampire are nothing but dead skin, shaved off a very pointless cracked heel.
You see, as it stands, Pattinson’s ears are about as much use as a welding mask made out of beef dripping and, because you idiots insist on screaming at him every single bloody time you see him, his ear deteriorate a little bit more, leaving him so profoundly deaf that, eventually, he’ll end up talking like Charlie Brown’s school teacher.
Yep.
That’s your fault, you blood-curdling, wailing, hysterical fan.
Pattinson told the Sun:
“I’m almost completely deaf anyway. So I’m worried. I’m very worried.”
At the UK premier Remember Me last week, poor old sensitive Robbie Rob Rob had a whole media circus to contend with and your howling the avenue down like you’d just been dropped into a vat of salt after being freshly skinned didn’t help him, leaving him cowering in a car like a frightened dog, with the windows up.
“I never really know what to do with myself before a premi?re. I just kind of freak out in the car on the way and then kind of remain in a bit of a daze.”
You’re not even listening are you. You’re probably screaming at the picture embedded in this article. You’ve probably left comments on articles about Robert Pattinson as if he wrote them. The comment you left probably looked like this:
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAHRGH! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH! OH MY GOD! AAARGH! I LOVE YOU ROBERT! ROOOOOBERT! I LOOOOOOVE YOU!’
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! LOOK AT MY VAGINA! IT GLISTENS FOR YOU ROBERT! ROOOOBERT!”
And for every pained howl of your heart, Robert Pattinson goes a little bit deafer. You must be thrilled with yourselves. Y’fuckin’ weirdos.
Start building him an ear trumpet the first chance you get.
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Candy says
ROBERT! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! DON’T GO DEAF! EVEN IF YOU DO I WILL STILL LOVE YOU!
flierpa says
guffaw! although i couldn’t concentrate whilst hollering rooooooooooooooobert loudly in my head.
goli says
loooovvvveee you ROOOOBBBBBBB!!!!
emjay says
yes i think robert is an exception to this plant and love what i have seen and read all the true stuff of course (lol) i do feel for him …but this blog does make me laugh hopefully he will look back and laugh in a few years….and just enjoy the ride of life.(and maybe release some music he is good)
Amelia says
LOL… You are very Funny!! Anyway I am not the kind of person who would scream if I happen to see him (like that would happen) I think I would not be able to find my voice!!! Or my head, or lungs or muscles! I would not even be able to walk!!!!!!!! I would be so frikedout!!that he would think I am an idiot (wich is probably the case)!!! LOL
Mandy says
Yeah….i feel bad for robert…i would freak out too if i were him. not to mention end up with a huge freakin headache from all the screaming. i don’t know how he does it. i really hope he can get some tome for himself and some freakin quiet! he needs it. i honestly don’t see what everyone freaks out about. yeah, he’s rich, handsome, and a celeb…so what! He’s still a person and deserves to be treated like one. so stop screaming.
Halo says
“I just kind of freak out in the car on the way and then kind of remain in a bit of a daze.
david says
That man is so one dementional that it hurts.Would do everything for attention. Heard that they wax him now, so girl can skipp going to a church. Now they just go and grab his presh.butt.
does he have a wax penis,too? On the statue that is? Asking
Farha says
I think the truth is, its not Robert Pattinson who the girls love. Its Edward Cullen, and most of you are quite brainwashed.