Science. Isn’t it a marvel? Without it there’d be no internet, which means we’d all probably have horrid, tanned, athletic bodies and nasty, well-rounded psyches unburdened by celebrity minutiae.
Without science we wouldn’t have photographs of that face on Mars that isn’t a face, or that Large Hadron Collider thingo that was meant to punch a hole in the universe and didn’t.
And without science we wouldn’t now know that pretend-vampire Robert Pattinson might be a non-pretend-vampire, because his dad’s Dracula, his mum’s Stephenie Meyer, Prince Harry is his cousin and his funny uncle is, oh, who knows, probably Jesus.
Not that we’re saying Jesus was a vampire. Or an uncle. Or funny. That’s not for us to say – we leave that stuff to professional genealogists.
The genealogists at Ancestry.com recently delved into Robert Pattinson’s family tree – not because his five-hundred-and-fifty-fifth vampire film is about to come out and some people might be losing interest – but presumably to investigate that smell. Or maybe they found a sample of his hair to be ninety percent skunk DNA, or something.
Anyway, using SCIENCE, they discovered that not only is Robert Pattinson related to Vlad the Impaler (the fifteenth century Transylvanian prince who inspired Bram Stoker to write Dracula), he’s related to Vlad the Impaler through Princes Harry and William.
And if that wasn’t enough, Stephenie Mayer‘s related to the lot of them. Oh, and Emma Watson is descended from an actual witch, but no one really cares about her.
This is what Ancestry.com’s Anastasia Taylor had to say about these revelations about Robert Pattinson’s family tree:
“Without any myth or magic, we find royalty and vampires lurking in Pattinson’s life ? making his story just as supernatural as the one he’s playing on screen.”
Woah! What was that? We don’t know about you, but we didn’t understand a word of that – it was all science, science, science. We think it means that:
- Vampires definitely exist.
- Miley Cyrus is a hobbit.
- Mickey Rourke is a unicorn.
- You can get pregnant from kissing.
But the really astonishing news is that, with a family consisting of a bloke who skewered approximately 50,000 people, two over-privileged goosestepping gooners and a woman who won’t stop writing interminable novels about people called Renesmee no matter how much we beg, Robert Pattinson – just a vampire with weird hair who’s pretending not to be a vampire – is the best of a bad lot.
Oh, we don’t know. Perhaps the Large Hadron Collider did punch a hole in the universe after all.
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Dee-da says
Screw You Hecklerspray, why you wanna be hating on Rob so much, is it cuz you jealous of his lovely hair and his super sharp teeth
LOL
LEAVE HIM ALONE, HE IS MINE!!!!!
Jessica says
ok so robert pattinson is sooooo ugly in some pictures but in his cullen family pictures he is *ok* i am still so mad with him tho!!!! but i will get to meet him because i no Taylor Lautner….newayz wut r ur thotz on RP?
Shley says
@Jessica and @Dee-da…
Haha, thanks for the giggles, fangirls. You go ahead and obsess over the lame Twilight actors instead of ones with actual talent like Jude Law…
Gilbert Wham says
Wait, fuck all this RPatz foofaraw, you mean I can get someone to work out how many people I’d have to kill before I get to be king? Splendid.
Dee-da says
Jude Law!!! are you freakin kidding me!!! the man is about as inspiring as a piece of wet pastry!!
samantha says
To dee-da: youre right people how right just crap and stupid things are just jealous of him:) but everyone can have an opinion but i disagree with the craptalk. Screw u people hehehhe we love robert and twilight and just deal with it if you dont like dont search for robert or any other thing about twilight. So dont complain then.
AShleigh says
robert is alredi married to kristen stewart. They are engaged. checkthe interent