This much we know - Spider-Man 4 will be a reboot, a brooding emotional drama aimed squarely at teenagers.

Hang on a minute. Brooding? Emotional? Teenagers? Are you thinking what the berserk, oestrogen-ravaged fringes of the internet are thinking? Are you thinking that Robert Pattinson would make a brilliant new Spider-Man?

Well, stop it. Contrary to some online reports, Robert Pattinson definitely isn’t going to play the lead in Spider-Man 4. But let’s not rule him out of the movie entirely – if the new producers decide to write a part for a wan, monotonous super villain with silly hair, a face like a sockful of conkers and the power to make teenage girls fail to spell simple words correctly on the internet, we’re sure he’ll be first to get the call.

Since Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire left Spider-Man 4 this week, we’ve seen a lot of unrest. For instance, there have been those concerned that, without Raimi onboard, the new Spider-Man won’t communicate his feelings exclusively through his haircut, or that an offensively large part of the film wouldn’t be given over to scenes about Mary Jane dancing around with a sodding egg.

But the main concern seems to be over the casting of Spider-Man, stemming from the news that Spider-Man 4 would start afresh from Peter Parker‘s teenage years. That’s not too much of a surprise – Spider-Man has always been a teenage character rather than the paunchy, tired-looking thirtysomething that Tobey Maguire eventually turned him into – but it nevertheless set off warning bells thanks to the success of the Twilight films.

Would Sony really try to ape Twilight with Spider-Man 4? Would it really turn Spider-Man 4 into a stupid, wooden, tedious tale about Mary Jane endlessly chewing on her lip and gawping out into space while fantasising about a transparently dull, moronically self-interested superhero with crappy hair and a transvestite’s face? Would Spider-Man 4 become another ham-fisted allegory for pre-marital chastity, possibly by utilising his web-shooter as a metaphor for jizz or something?

In all honesty, it’s too early to say – although, God, we hope not. But that hasn’t stopped one corner of the internet – the squealing, acne-ridden, urine-soaked corner that keeps a saliva-drenched New Moon poster on its wall for kissing practise – from deciding that Robert Pattinson will play the lead in Spider-Man 4.

It’s a ridiculous idea for all kinds of reasons, and one that the LA Times has decided to shoot down while it’s still in its infancy. It lists several reasons why Robert Pattinson won’t be the new Spider-Man, including the fact that the film doesn’t even have a director yet. Here’s what else it says:

The second problem is age — Pattinson is now 23, and this clearly is going to be a high-school movie. And finally, it would be a terrible idea. There’s already a question mark on the movie — why bring in an actor with questionable skills?

We have to agree on all counts. And let’s not forget that Robert Pattinson would probably try to shoehorn in a contractual clause whereby one of his songs would have to be inserted into the Spider-Man 4 soundtrack. Because, really, you don’t want to see an iconic superhero majestically sweep across the New York skyline to what sounds like a tramp strumming listlessly at a tatty three-string acoustic guitar while mumbling incomprehensibly to himself, do you?

Anyway, all this talk is redundant. It’s perfectly clear that Robert Pattinson isn’t going to be the next Spider-Man. After all, everyone knows that it’s going to be one of the Jonas Brothers, right?

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