As every single human on Earth knows (we’re all programmed from birth to wait for this moment), Robert Pattinson is in a film called Water for Elephants. It stars Robert Pattinson, water and, crucially, some of our elephant cousins.
Of course, the film needs someone with charisma and acting prowess which, in the case of this film, comes in the shape of the 9,000-pound Asian elephant called Tai.
At a press conference with co-star Reese Witherpsoon, Tai the Elephant spoke fondly about Pattinson and his unswerving dedication to winning over the giant actor who, at regular intervals in the press meet, defecated and casually threw peanuts into its gaping mouth with its weird nose-hand.
It would appear that Pattinson was rather enamoured with Tai, with some suggesting that this might the latest romance to blossom on-set.
Rob said, flatly:
?I had a relationship with the elephant, but it was based purely on candy.?
?I strategically placed mints, like suck on them for a bit and then stick them onto [my body], like covering my entire chest all the time, and [I didn’t] tell anyone?
You think we’re making this up. We’re not. R-Pattz said these words like there was absolutely nothing odd about them.
?So every time the elephant would be like constantly sniffing me, I'd be like, ?I don't know!? She just really likes me! It's crazy!? Yeah, I think she was just sniffing around for treats?
Tai has a different version of events, saying:
“I wasn’t too thrilled with Pattinson to be honest. He’s so boring that I heard some stagnant water once blew its brains out in his presence. On meeting him, it only served to underline how criminally dull he is.”
“And so, in a bid to win me over, he simply stood motionless before me for, I dunno, a fortnight or something. There wasn’t even the vaguest sign of movement on his face. It was astonishing. Astonishing and cripplingly boring. Eventually I just gave in. It was easier to just say I liked him. That said, even then, he remained rooted to the spot for a further week.”
Robert Pattinson wins you over with mints and endurance.
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